The 'F' Word

Yes, the 'F' Word. Forty. I am Forty. I feel like admitting it is the first step to acceptance! After Friday's breakdown, I went into three days of ups and downs. I think it was the roller coaster of turning Forty. I slept away most of the physical leftovers of Friday's Faint, but emotionally it has been difficult to get back on track. It really knocked me for a loop. It made me realize that my physical limitations are still a reality and pretending otherwise may just land me back in the hospital. Saturday morning I was up early and getting Hayley ready for the first dance competition of the season. It was a long day starting at 7:30 am and going until I headed out for my birthday party at 6:00. The competitions are usually stressful or at least exhausting. I found this year it all clicked. Hayley was more independent. We didn't fight with each other. And I really enjoyed watching the girls shine! The competition was even an unheard of hour ahead of time! So I was able to see 4 of her 5 routines before I had to head out.

I broke the rules and took many wonderful photos of the dances. I almost dared them to kick me out or try to stop me. I felt like we pay so much money for these things I should be able to discreetly photograph it without flash. I think my photos made a lot of mommies very happy. Sitting all day like that gave my mind time and space to wander. That wasn't a good thing. I thought about all the things I had planned on accomplishing before January 24, 2011. And how many I had not. Weight was the number one issues. Just like I had planned on being skinny two years ago for my High School reunion, I planned on it for my 40th. But here I was struggling at the highest weight ever. The only thing that kept me somewhat sane was that at least I have made a start this month. Towards the end of the time at the competition I started to cry (again). I was thinking of the relationship issues I am having and it just started to get to me. Having my girlfriend, Angel sitting beside me kept me grounded.

I left for the party, called my husband and sort of lost it on him. I felt like I needed to get some of the thoughts from the day out of my head, he was my target. He took it like the man he is. When I got to the hotel to meet my friend Terri, I just fell into a hug and cried like a big baby.

I recovered quickly when I saw how lucky I was. She had thought of all the details. The biggest treat of the weekend was having someone else take care of my needs. Terri had snacks, Raspberry Vodka and Diet Coke for me, decorations. She had orchestrated a party at a dueling Piano Bar in Seattle with a slumber party for her and I. The party was wonderful, it was an eclectic mix of old friends (not referring to your age Tamese) and new friends. But each person that was there was an important part of my puzzle. My best friend, Sara, from High School was there. Someone that has known me for 25 years, someone that I missed for 10 years of my life, but yet we were able to find our way back to each other. My two best friends, Terri and Tamese. Both have proved that you can still be standing after horrible life challenges, cancer and the death of a child. June, who I can tell anything to without being judged, someone that makes me laugh. Karen and Mary, people that I have known casually as neighbors and parents for years, but just in the last month, opened myself up to know them better and love what I have seen so far. It was just a perfect group. It was like the Girl Scout Song we learned as Brownies; "Make New Friends but Keep the Old". It represented one of the things I really like about myself. My friends are all different, from different groups, ages, etc.

The piano players were amazing, yes there were a few trips for me to sit on the piano and get embarrassed. I loved it of course. I pulled something in Yoga in my left hip that I then made a lot worse dancing the night away. There was about a half dozen or so Cherry Cosmos involved, amazing meal and to top it off Terri had brought my favorite cupcakes from Cupcake Royale. There were decorations, wonderful gifts, funny cards and lots of laughs. It could not have been better.

We limped back to the hotel around 2:00 stopping at the corner market for tylenol and water. Terri and I finished off the cupcakes in our beds and watched a movie until about 3:30 am.

We slept in until 11:00, then went to Pike Place Market. We stumbled across a little French Restaurant and had the most perfect brunch ever. Amazing food, watching the ferry boats go by. Stopped at Market Spice for tea and then headed home with no active hangovers! We were quite proud of ourselves.

The kids and Scott had made a cake which they proceeded to almost burn the house down lighting 40 candles on it. I was asleep by 5:00!

Monday, the actually big day. I stayed in bed all day. I don't think it was all depression, but just denial! My husband and I had an amazing dinner out alone again thanks to Terri watching the kids. I realized I may be fat, I may not have what I want from my relationships right now, I may not have the perfect job yet, but with girlfriends like I have none of that really matters. I think Forty might be okay.