Breakdown Right On Schedule

Today was an interesting milestone in my journey. Trying to find the humor in it. I wonder when I would breakdown mentally, emotionally or physically. I knew it would have to happen. You can't go from a year filled with one challenge, one low and one disaster after another; then all of a sudden start dieting and building a new healthy lifestyle and expect it to go smoothly. I truly believe the hot yoga is the key to this major change in me. That 90 minutes of time concentrating on my body forces me to also face emotional issues. Today the body forced me to face a fear that I thought I had overcome. I took the 9:30 class. I did not take a class yesterday because I had an upset stomach and was super tired. About a third of the way thru the class I was really struggling. Super Hot! I figured it was the rushing to get there, the egg mcmuffin (give me a break I was starving from my stomach emptying the night before) on the way there, or that I was in a hot spot in the room. But as soon as we rolled on to our stomachs for Cobra I thought I was going to puke. Since I am trying to learn to respect my body's limits I rolled to Corpse Pose (my favorite) and decided quickly to lay out the stomach stuff because puking in the class won't make me popular. I quickly realized this was not the usual struggle, the room started to spin. The last time I had felt that spinning was a year or so ago when I was in the hospital. When I started that spin then, I woke up with a dozen people rushing around me with paddles since I had fainted and my heart stopped. And we know that started this entire journey.
I tried to sit up a couple times and rejoin the class but immediately started spinning even more. I couldn't believe it I was going to black out! At one point I laid back down, the next thing I new my left leg kicked into the air in a spasm and three poses had gone by. I passed out! My chest hurt on the left side. OMG, the pacemaker must be kicking in. Well that set me to panic more and the spinning picked up again and I was having trouble staying conscious. All I could think was "you are not allowed to leave the room" and "OMG I don't want to go in an ambulance smelling like this, gross".
The instructor, my favorite, figured out something was up. When class ended I signalled her and she came and helped me out of the room. I was like a drunk being walked home, gripping her arm and weaving thru the ladies laying on the floor. I made it to the lobby bench and proceeded to put my face in my towel and start crying. I still felt the spinning and told the instructor everything I thought she should know. Other students began to come out and I was now the center of attention, something that I would normally not mind, but not for this. I got offers of rides home or rides to the ER. Great group of people. I called my husband totally prepared for a big sigh of "here we go again". He proved me wrong and immediately asked if I wanted him to come. He was already at work 45 minutes away, but again I am trying to learn my limits of "handling things alone" and said yes. I also think he was a little quick to offer and realized he wanted a day off! That would give me time to shower and see if I felt better and able to drive. I had to sit for a long time, the spinning didn't stop but the crying did until my two girlfriends came in for the next class (magnificent chest Jenny and Lovely Legs Lori). Well you know how you are upset but you can hold it together but then someone is nice and that sets you off? Well they come in and the crying starts again. It was on the verge of being totally uncontrollable.
I was so frustrated, scared and just am so sick of all of this! I just want to be normal. I don't want to be like a 70 year old woman in a 40 year old body. In my mind I am still 25 and today the mind and the body seem to finally realize they are not on the same page. I don't know if this was a total emotional break, but we will see how the next few days go. Dance Competition for my daughter all day tomorrow, then my birthday party with an overnight stay, then forty!
Who knows I may make the news tomorrow when I totally lose it at the piano bar. I think I will avoid the shots!
I slept all day today and had an upset stomach. I am certain the faint was a combination of dehydration and the blood pressure meds being too high of a dose, my bp swung very low. My teacher says she has had to catch 220 pound men that have fainted in her class and they didn't have a pacemaker or a fat ass like me. So that made me feel better. I am strongly thinking of taking a staycation for my birthday present on Sunday. I have a stack of unread novels. I am thinking me, books, some cupcakes and a local hotel room. HEAVEN! Sleep in Monday on my birthday, not have to battle kids to in the morning, no dog pee to clean up....this is starting to sound appealing. Just me and some solitude. I have never done that, maybe it is time. So you may not hear from me again until Monday!