The Bionic Woman

So yesterday I had my Pacemaker Interrogation. That is what they call it when they hook you up to the computer and test it out and download the data. It is a bit creepy when the technician can pick a number and force your own heart to beat at that rate. It is a sensation I can't explain. The good news is that it was a terrific check up, the bad news is that means I didn't get to see the Hot Pacemaker Doctor. Darn, I even wore a really good bra. I did ask if I would see him and the tech said he could get him for me if I wanted to ask him a question. I couldn't think of any quick enough and my 8 year old son was with me and it would be bad parenting for him to witness mommy drooling over the Cardiologist. My son was fascinated as was I, that the tech could now estimate my "battery life" based on the year of data we had. Originally they told me that the pacemaker would have to be replaced at 5-7 years. Mine is operating in such a way that it is estimated if that continued that it would last 8-12 years. Wow, call me the energizer bunny.

So the Pacemaker is doing its job. Just sitting there watching my heart ready to save the day if I have another unexplainable episode. Emotionally the unexplainable part really is a struggle. I mentioned that I was going to be doing some "Survivor" speaking events for Go Red for Women as part of the American Heart Association. I told him that I really don't know how to explain what I survived. It isn't dramatic like a heart attack or obvious like a stroke. It was dumb luck that it even happen while in a hospital bed hooked up to a monitor, what are even the odds of that happening? Probably about the same odds of me ever being able to lift a retro 70s van like my childhood hero, the bionic woman.

Finally someone explained it to me. I have been asking this question for over a year. He said I had Bradycardia otherwise known as a Bradyarrithmia. Of course being a child of the seventies I asked is that spelled like the "Brady Brunch". I was on the edge of my seat. What is "Bradyarrithmia" I asked? Wow, this is going to be good, I could hear Jan saying "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia" in my head. He said it means you have an abnormally slow heart rate. "uh, duh, my heart stopped, guess that is abnormally slow, but I don't get it, I want to know why?"

He said that there are many reasons but more than likely it was Congenital or you had it since birth. He said it is like your heart is a house. The house has plumbing and electrical. Your plumbing is in perfect order (no blockages, narrowing of arteries, etc.) but your electrical not so good. Now this is funny since pretty much every male on the paternal side of my large family is an electrician. Irony?

So my switch doesn't function right. It is common for very old people past 70 to have frayed electrical connections, the wiring wears out, and pacemakers replace that switch or wiring. Well I guess this makes sense, my husband has mentioned that he feels like "he is married to a seventy year old woman".

Wow, this was the medical assistant. A very smart and competent man, someone I trusted to play with my pulse. He was able to explain to me my own condition in a way both myself and my eight year old could understand. Neither cardiologist had been able to do that.

Researching it tonight I find that I have had for many years several of the risk factors. I also found answers to many questions that have plagued me about that day in the hospital. Things that my gut told me were involved in the "incident" (flatlining), but doctors disregarded or told me were not related. I don't know how to feel right now, relieved, annoyed, frustrated. I still have nothing to blame for what happen. I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't give myself this problem. But I can continue to own the fact that I survived and am at high risk for heart disease. I can't change this, but I can reduce my other risks by continuing on this lifestyle journey. I can continue by having as many day ones as it takes.

Deep Sigh. I just hope I don't end up like the Bionic Woman, selling sleep number beds on infomercials.

T.G.I.F.

You are not going to believe this but Scott went to Yoga a second time yesterday, two days in a row. I did not go because the pain in my hip is excruciating and the tummy is not handling things well the past few days. I don't want a repeat of the Hot Yoga Spins so I opted for a couple of days off. Plus we could not both go last night. Yes, I am injured, but I find myself falling into my old patterns of putting others before myself. I was so proud of Scott I did everything I could to arrange for him to go a second time. I packed his clothes, his towel, his water, a snack; brought it with me to Henry's teacher conference at 5:30 so Scott could come straight from work and then make the 6:30 class. I even called the studio ahead of his arrival so that the teacher could save him a good spot. I took Henry to Cubscouts and arranged for a ride home from dance for Hayley.
I found myself slipping into my old comfortable ways this past few days. I even went to Burgermaster yesterday although I did order a kids meal instead of the Big One. I paid for it later with an upset tummy but wow did it taste good. It is like being a drug addict, one slip and you slide down that slope. Figured well I messed up today might as well go for it. So here we are, starting over again. No weight loss this week, in fact from all the partying I did for my birthday I gained 3 pounds. Sh*t
So back to my other old ways, putting others first. I did take way too much joy in the fact that Scott came home from his second class and his face was the color of a tomato. There was some moaning and groaning too. I tried to get him to talk about the Yoga experience, I thought everyone would be interested in what he had to say about it. Well, he is not much of a talker. I told him how all my dance mommy friends at the studio were very impressed with him and that their husbands would never try anything like this. All he could say was "It's hot" Again, I told him I could not believe how flexible he was and how in the world did I not know this? (and why were we not having monkey sex?)
Do you know what he said? My soon to be 45 year old out of shape partner of 20 years said "Well of course I am flexible I am an athlete" There might have been a sigh and an eye roll too.
Now he didn't say "I was" he said "I am". Now you must realize the incredible strength (the vicoden might have helped a little too) to not start laughing and rolling on the bed. We have a nice calm loving truce going on right now and I want to keep it that way. It took all the will power that I was not able to summon at Burgermaster not to say "Really, are you fricking kidding me? Having ESPN as your home page does not make you an athlete"
Instead I said "Really, why do you say that?" He said "I played basketball, baseball and tennis". Insert snort laugh here and snarky remark in my head "yeah like 25 years ago".
I said "Well then I am an athlete too but I am not that flexible anymore"
"You were not an athlete you were on the flag team"
Oh geez we are not going to start that argument again. I was not on the flag team a*((hole, it was a drill/dance team and we were one of the best in the state, practicing nearly year round for a couple of hours every day. I tore my damn hamstring doing the jump splits for gosh sake. And we had pom poms, NOT flags.
I mentioned this morning that he should not feel bad about himself if he can't handle three days in a row his first week like I did. Ha, guess who is currently sitting on the couch downstairs? Athlete my ass.

A Hunk of Burning Love...

You will not even believe it, I can still hardly believe it myself. My husband, Scott, who wants to lose about the same amount of weight as me, did something today that I never thought I would see. No, he didn't bring me flowers....he did a Hot Yoga class with me!!!! He said he might try it a week or so ago and I just laughed. He said if I could do it he could. This totally ticked me off because he does not get a ton of exercise. The man doesn't like the Kinect because he can't figure out how to play it from the couch like the Wii.

But there we were at noon today on the face of the sun in matching red shirts. The shirts were not planned. I told him this morning that I was worried he was going to feel bad about himself when he couldn't make it the entire 90 minutes. I was so thankful my friend (with the legs), Lori, was there. Because at least there was a witness. I told her in the dressing room that I was totally worried about him and thought it might make me distracted. Boy did I eat my words.

I set up his mat and towel, found him a good spot. The teacher told me at the start to set a good example for him. Bring it on. Now we will see who is the big baby. Unbelievable!

The SOB did better than I had done even after ten classes. 20 years I have lived with this man and I had no idea he was so flexible! You have got to be kidding me. About half way thru I sat out a move just so he knew it was okay to sit if you needed to, I was seriously worried about him hurting himself. But NOOOOOOO, he kept going. He was more flexible than me. He even did the Bow position. I can't even get near my toes in that posture! My feelings in that 90 minutes were all over the place. I was excited he wanted to try something I was doing. I was annoyed because he was doing better than me. I was proud of him. I was in pain from trying to outdo him. At the end of the class I wanted to run over to him, straddle him and kiss him I was so proud of him. But I thought that would be just a little over the top. Plus I was too hot and tired to move.

My only hope for my pride is that maybe he won't be able to walk in the morning.

The 'F' Word

Yes, the 'F' Word. Forty. I am Forty. I feel like admitting it is the first step to acceptance! After Friday's breakdown, I went into three days of ups and downs. I think it was the roller coaster of turning Forty. I slept away most of the physical leftovers of Friday's Faint, but emotionally it has been difficult to get back on track. It really knocked me for a loop. It made me realize that my physical limitations are still a reality and pretending otherwise may just land me back in the hospital. Saturday morning I was up early and getting Hayley ready for the first dance competition of the season. It was a long day starting at 7:30 am and going until I headed out for my birthday party at 6:00. The competitions are usually stressful or at least exhausting. I found this year it all clicked. Hayley was more independent. We didn't fight with each other. And I really enjoyed watching the girls shine! The competition was even an unheard of hour ahead of time! So I was able to see 4 of her 5 routines before I had to head out.

I broke the rules and took many wonderful photos of the dances. I almost dared them to kick me out or try to stop me. I felt like we pay so much money for these things I should be able to discreetly photograph it without flash. I think my photos made a lot of mommies very happy. Sitting all day like that gave my mind time and space to wander. That wasn't a good thing. I thought about all the things I had planned on accomplishing before January 24, 2011. And how many I had not. Weight was the number one issues. Just like I had planned on being skinny two years ago for my High School reunion, I planned on it for my 40th. But here I was struggling at the highest weight ever. The only thing that kept me somewhat sane was that at least I have made a start this month. Towards the end of the time at the competition I started to cry (again). I was thinking of the relationship issues I am having and it just started to get to me. Having my girlfriend, Angel sitting beside me kept me grounded.

I left for the party, called my husband and sort of lost it on him. I felt like I needed to get some of the thoughts from the day out of my head, he was my target. He took it like the man he is. When I got to the hotel to meet my friend Terri, I just fell into a hug and cried like a big baby.

I recovered quickly when I saw how lucky I was. She had thought of all the details. The biggest treat of the weekend was having someone else take care of my needs. Terri had snacks, Raspberry Vodka and Diet Coke for me, decorations. She had orchestrated a party at a dueling Piano Bar in Seattle with a slumber party for her and I. The party was wonderful, it was an eclectic mix of old friends (not referring to your age Tamese) and new friends. But each person that was there was an important part of my puzzle. My best friend, Sara, from High School was there. Someone that has known me for 25 years, someone that I missed for 10 years of my life, but yet we were able to find our way back to each other. My two best friends, Terri and Tamese. Both have proved that you can still be standing after horrible life challenges, cancer and the death of a child. June, who I can tell anything to without being judged, someone that makes me laugh. Karen and Mary, people that I have known casually as neighbors and parents for years, but just in the last month, opened myself up to know them better and love what I have seen so far. It was just a perfect group. It was like the Girl Scout Song we learned as Brownies; "Make New Friends but Keep the Old". It represented one of the things I really like about myself. My friends are all different, from different groups, ages, etc.

The piano players were amazing, yes there were a few trips for me to sit on the piano and get embarrassed. I loved it of course. I pulled something in Yoga in my left hip that I then made a lot worse dancing the night away. There was about a half dozen or so Cherry Cosmos involved, amazing meal and to top it off Terri had brought my favorite cupcakes from Cupcake Royale. There were decorations, wonderful gifts, funny cards and lots of laughs. It could not have been better.

We limped back to the hotel around 2:00 stopping at the corner market for tylenol and water. Terri and I finished off the cupcakes in our beds and watched a movie until about 3:30 am.

We slept in until 11:00, then went to Pike Place Market. We stumbled across a little French Restaurant and had the most perfect brunch ever. Amazing food, watching the ferry boats go by. Stopped at Market Spice for tea and then headed home with no active hangovers! We were quite proud of ourselves.

The kids and Scott had made a cake which they proceeded to almost burn the house down lighting 40 candles on it. I was asleep by 5:00!

Monday, the actually big day. I stayed in bed all day. I don't think it was all depression, but just denial! My husband and I had an amazing dinner out alone again thanks to Terri watching the kids. I realized I may be fat, I may not have what I want from my relationships right now, I may not have the perfect job yet, but with girlfriends like I have none of that really matters. I think Forty might be okay.

Breakdown Right On Schedule

Today was an interesting milestone in my journey. Trying to find the humor in it. I wonder when I would breakdown mentally, emotionally or physically. I knew it would have to happen. You can't go from a year filled with one challenge, one low and one disaster after another; then all of a sudden start dieting and building a new healthy lifestyle and expect it to go smoothly. I truly believe the hot yoga is the key to this major change in me. That 90 minutes of time concentrating on my body forces me to also face emotional issues. Today the body forced me to face a fear that I thought I had overcome. I took the 9:30 class. I did not take a class yesterday because I had an upset stomach and was super tired. About a third of the way thru the class I was really struggling. Super Hot! I figured it was the rushing to get there, the egg mcmuffin (give me a break I was starving from my stomach emptying the night before) on the way there, or that I was in a hot spot in the room. But as soon as we rolled on to our stomachs for Cobra I thought I was going to puke. Since I am trying to learn to respect my body's limits I rolled to Corpse Pose (my favorite) and decided quickly to lay out the stomach stuff because puking in the class won't make me popular. I quickly realized this was not the usual struggle, the room started to spin. The last time I had felt that spinning was a year or so ago when I was in the hospital. When I started that spin then, I woke up with a dozen people rushing around me with paddles since I had fainted and my heart stopped. And we know that started this entire journey.
I tried to sit up a couple times and rejoin the class but immediately started spinning even more. I couldn't believe it I was going to black out! At one point I laid back down, the next thing I new my left leg kicked into the air in a spasm and three poses had gone by. I passed out! My chest hurt on the left side. OMG, the pacemaker must be kicking in. Well that set me to panic more and the spinning picked up again and I was having trouble staying conscious. All I could think was "you are not allowed to leave the room" and "OMG I don't want to go in an ambulance smelling like this, gross".
The instructor, my favorite, figured out something was up. When class ended I signalled her and she came and helped me out of the room. I was like a drunk being walked home, gripping her arm and weaving thru the ladies laying on the floor. I made it to the lobby bench and proceeded to put my face in my towel and start crying. I still felt the spinning and told the instructor everything I thought she should know. Other students began to come out and I was now the center of attention, something that I would normally not mind, but not for this. I got offers of rides home or rides to the ER. Great group of people. I called my husband totally prepared for a big sigh of "here we go again". He proved me wrong and immediately asked if I wanted him to come. He was already at work 45 minutes away, but again I am trying to learn my limits of "handling things alone" and said yes. I also think he was a little quick to offer and realized he wanted a day off! That would give me time to shower and see if I felt better and able to drive. I had to sit for a long time, the spinning didn't stop but the crying did until my two girlfriends came in for the next class (magnificent chest Jenny and Lovely Legs Lori). Well you know how you are upset but you can hold it together but then someone is nice and that sets you off? Well they come in and the crying starts again. It was on the verge of being totally uncontrollable.
I was so frustrated, scared and just am so sick of all of this! I just want to be normal. I don't want to be like a 70 year old woman in a 40 year old body. In my mind I am still 25 and today the mind and the body seem to finally realize they are not on the same page. I don't know if this was a total emotional break, but we will see how the next few days go. Dance Competition for my daughter all day tomorrow, then my birthday party with an overnight stay, then forty!
Who knows I may make the news tomorrow when I totally lose it at the piano bar. I think I will avoid the shots!
I slept all day today and had an upset stomach. I am certain the faint was a combination of dehydration and the blood pressure meds being too high of a dose, my bp swung very low. My teacher says she has had to catch 220 pound men that have fainted in her class and they didn't have a pacemaker or a fat ass like me. So that made me feel better. I am strongly thinking of taking a staycation for my birthday present on Sunday. I have a stack of unread novels. I am thinking me, books, some cupcakes and a local hotel room. HEAVEN! Sleep in Monday on my birthday, not have to battle kids to in the morning, no dog pee to clean up....this is starting to sound appealing. Just me and some solitude. I have never done that, maybe it is time. So you may not hear from me again until Monday!

Thank You...

Again Thank you to everyone that has been encouraging me and holding me accountable on this physical, emotional and mental journey. Special thanks to those that helped me see what I needed to see. I have tried to thank you personally. I honestly did not think I was in that bad of shape. Seeing yourself as fat is not easy and sometimes it takes people not being nice to motivate you! Yes, that was a bit snarky and a little passive aggressive but totally true! So thank you and I am excited for the day when I can ask you to kiss my skinny butt.
So here are some ways that you know you are fat....
1 - When the nurse at your appointment says "I will be right back I need to get the bigger blood pressure cuff for you"
2 - "No your foot is not wide, it is high volume"
3 - "Have you ever shopped at Lane Bryants? I heard they have cute stuff."
4 - "I like a woman with some meat on their bones"
5 - When the piano player looks at you while singing a certain Queen song...take a guess
6 - Same thing as number 5 when Sir Mix Alot is playing

Casting Call 6:30, Redmond Hot Yoga...

It is certainly a full moon today. According to the Cardiologist I did not do permanent damage to the pacemaker with my stupidity. He did suggest with a straight face that I unplug it next time. He also agrees with Scott and banned me from riding the mechanical bull. He only shook his head when I told him about the Trapeze Lesson. He also said forty is the new twenty and I asked if he could show me that in one of his medical journals and then maybe I would believe it.
I am in my third week of dieting and exercising. No, it is not getting easier, I think it is getting harder. Where is that endorphin high they talk about, what a bunch of crap. If you can't tell, I will warn you, I am cranky, because I am hungry and Hot Yoga was very challenging tonight. Here is what I learned about diets and Hot Yoga this week:
1 - somehow tonight it was hotter than any other class, maybe it was the 45 people in the room
2 - it is possible for one class to smell worst than another, It reeked, breathing thru my nose was a very big challenge. I sprinted out of the building when class was over.
3 - If you have diarrhea within an hour of splurging on Taco Time, do those weightwatcher points count?
4 - Doing hot Yoga within an hour of number three is a bad idea. You will feel like puking and end up with a headache. #2 did not help
5 - the Weightwatchers 3 point blond brownie recipe is excellent, until you see the size of a 3 point serving. That is great that it taste good, not so great if you eat the entire pan.
6 - When you finally get your leg into a pose and you look around wanting to cheer, no one cares
7 - I don't mind having friends in the class, my friend's husband, Stewart, was there tonight. Again I felt better knowing someone was there that could call Scott if someone needed to claim the body
8 - screaming "open the door" in your mind does not make the instructor open the door
9 - A fresh pedicure does help you with the Yoga postures

Tonight's Yoga class was a feast of characters! I think that there should be a reality tv show about people that take Hot Yoga. The cast of characters is as diverse as the Ben and Jerry Ice Cream Flavors. (I am hungry) There are many new characters to add to our cast. Disclaimer "A" - All characters are based on my observations of real people. Any similarity to people you may know could be more than coincidental. If you recognize someone or yourself, then go with Disclaimer "B" - all characters are fictional.

"Ken" - Yoga Barbie could find her soulmate this week at two of my classes. He is tall, blond and wore nothing but shiny purple spandex bootie shorts. Yes, he and Ken were also anatomically the same. Thankfully he stood near Stewart and not me or giggling would have been difficult to suppress.

"Dolly" - Okay, I take back what I said about all Yoga experts being flat chested (except Jenny's magnificent set and snoring man). Dolly was there tonight. Again, I don't know how Stewart could concentrate. She was far away from me and when I spotted her I literally froze with my mouth hanging open. White vneck halter sports bra. Small women with huge basketballs hanging at the bottom of the net! I can not believe they didn't pop out! Talk about a lesson in gravity. That poor woman.

"Lolli" - right in front of me. Tramp Stamp of a Lollipop like you see at Disneyland, right at the top of her waistband, perfect swirl circle, stick must be down the you know what. It seem to change colors as she sweat, cool, I didn't know tattoos could do that. The entire class the song "lollipop, lollipop, oh lolli, lolli" was going round and round my mind. It wasn't until the end when the pants had inched down did I see to my great disappointment that there was no stick, just the circle.

"Andy" - Next to me was Andy Kaufman tonight. Looks just like him. I kept wanting to turn to him and say "are you goofing on Elvis tonight?". Nothing like having Latka sweat buckets next to you.

Five days left....

You can't even make this up...

I decided to share this because it appears no major harm was done and it is so stupid it is funny. You know about the hurt ankle incident. But what you may not know that these types of events are not isolated ones. It happens more often than I would like to admit. So often I am starting to scare myself. So often that my friends some times leave me messages saying they had a "Dawn Day" and can't wait to tell me about it. These stories also tell you something about my husband, Scott. That he must have the patience of a saint.
Last night after hot yoga I had finished writing, checking facebook, surfed the news and other mindless tasks; I signed off the laptop. I realized I had not recorded my wieghtwatcher's points. Because I am trying to do better at that this week I signed back in, but needed to connect to the power source. The plug would not go in, it was like I had the wrong cord. I nudged Scott and said the plug wouldn't go in. After he realized I was not making a pass at him, he rolled his eyes and grabbed the laptop with a little disgust, like I was making it up just to bug him. Sure enough it wouldn't go in for him either. After stealing Henry's lego flashlight from his bed we figured out that the little wire in the plug was bent. Darn puppy! (can't prove it but highly likely) Scott told me to get him some tweezers.
Fine give me the plug I can do it myself. I proceed to stick the tweezers into the plug....yes, wait for it, you know it's coming....ZAP, the plug lit up like a firework. I screamed and felt frozen like I could not breath. There was also a sharp pain across my chest. Really? I didn't unplug it from the power strip first. OH NO, the pacemaker! At that point I could breath but then I was crying. I am not sure if I was crying because it hurt, or I was scared or I was just feeling stupid or all of the above.
I sent a wireless report to the doctor's office using the machine that came with my pacemaker. I see the cardiologist at 4:00 and I cringe at having to even admit that I did this. I am pretty certain there is no damage done except to my ego. Oh and I need to get a new power cord.

6 days and counting...

My birthday party evite says "Forty is the new Twenty". That is a bunch of bulls**t. Cause I am starting to feel forty. Is it all in my mind? Is it the sudden exercise and the diet? Even my eyesight is starting to change all of a sudden. Gone soon will be the days where I am the only one of my girlfriends able to read the menu at lunch. And really? If it was the new twenty then you would be seeing twenty somethings saying they are forty. Trust me that is not happening.
Since Thursday's Trapeze lesson the pain has been pretty distracting. Add to that we went out Saturday night and the past two days I had a touch of the flu or a small hangover, either way I felt bad. My ribcage still hurts but I suffered tonight at Hot Yoga. My 8th one in 15 days. My original goal was 14 in 14 days. That is funny now!
Saturday night my friend, Terri, decided we needed to do a recon mission on the location of my birthday party, 88 keys, a dueling piano bar in Pioneer Square. Now I didn't see the point but I am not one to turn down a night out. We ended up heading out at 10, ended up with four of us and we didn't get home until about 2:45 am. Enough Said? It involved singing, a little dancing, winning a neon beer sign in a drawing (which I left on the counter for Scott to find in the morning and told him we stole it) and at 2 am we tagged Nancy's car, a Bear's Fan, with Seahawk Cheer.
We had a great time, but the recon did result in a venue change, no dance floor at this one, and a dance floor for my fortieth is mandatory. As the night turned into morning I noticed that we were one of two tables still occupied at the front. Us (average age, fortyish), Them, (average age 22ish). I found it very poignant and fascinating. I normally find that age group annoying. But I felt myself not envious of their youth but moderately sorry for their stupidity. I wanted to take them outside and have a chat with them. Pass some wisdom on.
#1 - if you wear that dress...it is called spanks ladies...buy yourself some.
#2 - Blue eyeshadow did not look good on anyone the first time around, still not a good look
#3 - Tattoos, Bad Idea. Girls, look at my ass, look at my boobs, imagine what your butterfly is going to look like. Yes, you got it, like it got hit by a car windshield.
#4 - Really?, the piano player is gay, he will always be gay, his shirt that has a picture of a Rooster wearing a saddle and the phrase "free cock rides", That is not directed at you, that is for the blond drunk guy over there wearing the shirt that says something about pickles and cucumbers. You can shake, you can wiggle it, and he is still gonna want the pickle.
#5 - If you can't name the group who sang it, please don't sing along and do an interpretative dance. "Pour Some Sugar On Me" is not a good song to dance to without spanks. See #1
#6 - Don't try to out sing my table when an angry song like Alanis M. "you outta know" comes on, because you are not old enough to know angry. When you have been with the same man for 20 years, than you can sing the angry songs.
#7 - Seriously, if you order buckets of Papst Blue Ribbon, what type of men do you think you will attract?

So we had fun, a prefunk to the big night next Saturday. It did make me feel older when the two piano players in their twenties were stumped by our request of "Delta Dawn" and said to wait for the other guy, that he would know it. He was much older than us and yes, he did know it. Ugh!

Hot Yoga tonight was actually maybe a tad enjoyable. I was able to calm my mind a lot more tonight. I think a lot of it had to do that one of my dance mommy friends was next to me. She was amazing, like gumby. I thought it would be distracting to be near a friend. But it was calming, I knew she would call 911 if needed. And she did check to make sure my chest was rising at the end. Plus she had on my favorite color, peacock blue. She gives me something to shoot for! The only thing that was distracting, not unlike Jenny's chest, was how she gets her legs so smooth, waxing?

No Go Dawn

Okay it is 5:40 and guess who did not go to Yoga? hmmmmm....
Guess what I did? I laid down on that magnetic bed and was out cold. But I feel less guilty than I did yesterday. In addition to the fact that all of my medicine bottles have the "will make you drowsy" warning label on them, my body has a little trick that it does. Literally the day before or day of nature comes a calling (sorry guys tmi, look away) I can not stay awake! I had a procedure in September that is suppose to stop nature but so far that has failed as much as I did at going to Yoga today. But it did mess up any schedule I had so I didn't even think about it when I could not stay awake yesterday. I just assumed it was from the Trapeze pain and this new journey.
Tonight I am off to Seattle with Terri. She wants to do a recon mission to the location of my birthday bash. I don't see why but I am all for a trip to a bar tonight!!! Should have something interesting to write about tomorrow.

Saturday

OH the pain. Yes I am a big baby. It hurts to take a deep breath, I think the harness bruised my ribs and there are muscles that hurt that I didn' t know I had. BUT I am still planning to go to 5:00 yoga today. Was going to go earlier with Sara but she bailed due to asthma issues, good excuse. I probably would bail too but Scott said sarcastically when I told him "bet you won't go now either". So of course I have to now.
Then this evening Terri and I are doing a recon mission on the locations in Pioneer Square for my Birthday Bash. I say just wing it night of but Terri wants to go and who am I to pass up a trip to a bar.
So what did I learn about Trapeze:
#1 - I stink at it
#2 - The skinny girls were good at it
#3 - I do have a fear of falling
#4 - I am too old and out of shape to do something like that
#5 - As much of a freak my husband thinks I am, I am not cut out for the circus
#6 - Yeah, I am going back to try again until I can do the trick

Debbie-Dawn Downer

Today was a tough day. I felt awful, like many of the days in the past year. Just wanted to sleep. And I did. And as the hours have gone by I am in more and more pain from the Trapeze. My ribs, my shoulders, my boobs, pretty much my entire torso is hurting. That and my weight is back up. WTH!!!!!
The pain that I deal with thanks to the Fibromyalgia or whatever, is not the issue. It is the fatigue. It is bone deep. I don't even know how to describe it. When it is at its peak, I lay down and it feels as if the bed is a magnet and I am a big piece of metal. It is depressing, it is frustrating for not just me but my family. The dogs love it! With the Foster puppy I was outnumbered on the bed today three to one. We won't tell Scott which dog slept on his pillow.
The fatigue is my biggest enemy in this battle. I know it would be easier if I weighed less, I know it would be better if I was in better shape. But how do you get there when you can't move and food makes you feel better? I found out about pretzel m-n-m's tonight at Tamese's house. I learned today on weight watchers I need to just pretend you don't have the activity points or the weekly bonus points. That is what let me start eating the evil round objects. Once I started I couldn't stop. So Friday is the end of my weightwatchers week. So I guess I start again tomorrow.
I am feeling pretty darn low. Sorry no funny observations today.
But stay tuned, my friend, Sara, is going to go to Hot yoga with me Saturday. Pay back for the Trapeze! I think she is going to see if I am being a big baby or exaggerating the entire experience. I am looking forward to having my opinions confirmed! I will let you know what she has to say, if she can speak while she is puking!

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Circus Freak

Today was super exciting! I took a trapeze class. Yes, like in the circus! I will post photos. Now this was a gift for my 39th Birthday last January from my best friend from high school, Sara. When I opened it at my party my other friends and my mom looked at Sara like she had given me a bong or something else shocking. They said, "you do know her right?" " You do know that she broke her ankle this month doing a "polar dip" off a waterfall into a shallow end of a pool in Vegas? You do know she fell off her porch one night in her pjs into the bushes while trying to unplug Christmas lights only to find out a year later she had broke her wrist and now needed surgery? Really?!!! You think it is a good plan to put her on a trapeze three stories up?"
I thought it was the coolest gift ever. What a great thing to do before I turn forty, of course at the time I said I will do this when I lose this weight, what a great goal and motivation.
Well that was 355 days ago and about 40 pounds the wrong direction. So it was scheduled for today. I figured if I can survive the face of the sun for seven 90 minute sessions I can swing from a bar. Plus I was certain there would be a weight limit and I would get out of it.
Well it is done! No trips to the emergency room, yeah Dawn! It was amazing. There were eight people in the class and the goal was to learn the trick to earn the right to do the next one where you hang upside down and get caught by the Fabio look alike swinging from the other trapeze known as the "catch trap". Half the class earned this honor, the ringing of the cowbell; Sara nor I were one of them. You had to climb three stories up hook into a harness held by a rope by a guy that weighed less than me. You then had to grab the trapeze, lean into midair trusting the little gal up there with you could hold you, leap off the board into a free fall swing. Follow a string of verbal commands having you swing out, tuck, hook your knees, let go, swing upside down, regrip, untuck then do a back flip off the trapeze landing in a net.
We practiced on the floor on a free hanging bar. Guess who could not get her fat ass up off the floor. Yeah that would be me. I have never felt so self conscious about my size ever. I was the biggest one there, when did that happen? Why does this keep surprising me? I got so nervous during the floor training I could not shut up. I kept asking Fabio very thoughtful questions hoping we would run out of time and I would not have to do it!
I watched the first two woman nail it. Really? Are you serious? Fine I am going next, get this over with. The higher I climbed the more I started to shake, I didn't know I was scared of heights? No that wasn't it, I am scared of looking like a fool and to show how clearly out of shape I am. When I got to the top you had to stand still gripping a rail while they hooked you in. My knees were shaking and my breathing was erratic. Seriously am I going to faint? Scott is so not going to be happy if I hurt myself. Oh, you want me to let go and move to the center. Uh, no I am not ready to do that. This petite little gal grabbed my waist harness and jerked me around, and had me grab the trapeze with one hand. This started the hyperventilation. I was freaked out by how much I was freaking out. I had death grip on the rail with my left hand. She finally got me to let go of the rail. She wanted me to lean out over the space while she held me from the waist leaning back the opposite direction. I had visions of pulling her off the perch with me. She gave me the go command and I went screaming like a little girl. Could not even get my toe on to the bar, as I swung from that bar, I felt like I weighed as much as a circus elephant. Oh yeah, I thought, this is fun, Happy Birthday to me. I fell to the net without injury and crawled to the edge, when my feet hit the mat I was gripping the guys arm, "he said I need that you are going to have to let go". I was afraid my legs were going to give out they were still shaking so much, I started to grab on to his leg, but knew it would be such a Dawn move that I would accidentally grab something else and how humiliating to be kicked out of the circus for accidentally fondling the instructor. It was terrifying!
The next gal went, nailed it. Are you kidding me? I am going to be the only chicken here? That is pathetic. Finally a gal got up there and refused to go, they ended up sending another gal up to give her a shove. Yeah me, she may be younger and thinner but she sucked more than me. I was so thankful to her.
I went four times. There are so many things you have to do and your timing has to be really good to accomplish these feats. You also have to be a really good listner and good at following direction. Not my strongest skills, I don't always play well with others.
I never was able to hang upside down, which I am not sad about because I really think that was an accident waiting to happen. But I did nail the back flip dismount two times, although I had my eyes closed both times.
By the fourth time I was so tired, I just barely was able to hold on. It was super sad.
I now have blisters on my hand but I have a video showing I did this before I turned forty. I really feel that if I had not been doing the yoga I would not have even been able to do the little I did accomplish. I am fearful of how much I am going to hurt in the morning.
My new goal is to lose enough weight by my daughter's birthday at the end of April to go back with her for a party and get that cow bell to ring for me!

Catching up with Dawn...

Again Thank you to everyone that has given me words of encouragement in person, on Facebook, and via text. Truly I think that has been the key on this journey. For example, yesterday I was really tired. I went to an event at my son's school and a fellow mom (Linda), told me that she enjoyed the blog. She asked if I was going to yoga. I said yes at 2:30. When I got home I laid down and wanted to fall asleep. But I knew I had told Linda I was going so I hauled my big butt up and out. It was probably the best I have done as far as flexibility! Thank You Linda!

So yesterday was lucky number seven yoga in ten days. It was so hard to get there. The thing I really tried to work on was calming my mind. Like many moms I am always thinking. The problem is that it isn't just the grocery list or what I have to do or who I have to pick up at what time. Although that information is taking up brain hard drive space, it is really the mind racing I have a problem with. It is important in the yoga to stay focused and "in the moment" so they say. But I just can't seem to calm my mind. For example, here is some of the thoughts that were in my mind during Tuesday's class, besides "this must be what the face of the sun feels like"
#1 - I found it very fascinating that a bead of sweat could start at the base of my neck, somehow dodge the bra strap and land directly down my butt crack. After that happen, I tried to make it happen several more times like a Plinko game.
#2 - It was an extra hot class. I think I began hallucinating. At one point the scene in Dumbo with the pink elephants was playing on a reel in my mind. I was singing the song in my head. This lead to thinking about how on my 21st birthday I had a pink elephant cake...then wow that was a great party...who all was there....gee I wonder how much I drank that night
#3 - I was wearing a red tshirt and my shorts. The instructor asked us to really focus on ourselves in the mirror. I had put on a sports bra from my brief running phase. I noticed that it pushed down along the hem and the shorts pushed up creating a perfect "spare tire". As we twisted side to side this made me think of that wedding scene in Steel Magnolias where Olympia D. says "It looks like two pigs fighting under a blanket". Never really got that. Now looking in the mirror, I get it. two pigs were fighting under my shirt. OMG, I think, look at that....which leads to wow that was such a good movie, Shelby should not have had that baby, that was really dumb for her to do that and how sad was it when she died, and wow wasn't that short hair wig that Julia Roberts wore awful, what the heck, did they spend all their money on the actresses and had nothing for props, and man was that a bad look with the glasses for Darryl Hannah, whatever happen to her...... I think you get the picture.
This is not unusual for me. Do you think this is normal? Probably not. ADD runs in one side of my family. I know their our probably meds for this but how hard can it be to calm your mind. For me, so far impossible.
So on Wednesday I had a plan. If I can't calm my mind or trip it up a bit, then I need to at least try to "stay in the room". My body is trapped in the room from hell, why should my mind get to take a vacation. So I decided to focus on the people in the class without staring, cause that might be creepy. So here are some of the cast of characters.
"Yoga Barbie" - Petite, wearing tiny booty shorts and a top that was backless but hooked around the shoulders and looked like a bikini in the front, fascinating top, Boobs clearly not from scratch because when laying on her back they were in their own full posture. Spray tan, hair in a perfect french twist at the start of the class and the END of the class. Sweat actually enhanced her attractiveness. Very flexible.
"The Groaner" - tall lanky, hair started off straight but every time I looked at her it was curlier and frizzier and bigger coming out of its pony, the humidity was brutal on her hair. Each time I glanced up it was frightening. She was quite noisy.

You get the idea. I am hoping by trying to focus on the people around me eventually I can focus on myself. Do you think it will work?

Me, Me, Me

Thank you to everyone that has given me feedback on the blog and my plan! It helps me stay motivated. I think this time will actually be the time if I can keep going!
Today was a great day. No, still have all the same stresses and the same struggles; but what made it a great day was that I stayed awake the entire day! Yeah me! If I could only judge all my success by the ability to stay awake. I think the key is to stay moving.
I watched a comedian the other night, Louis C.K., and he actually got me thinking. If you know me, you know that I am more likely to be motivated by the Comedy Channel versus CNN or Oprah. He was talking about the difference between girls and women. There was one line that really hit home. I don't think he was trying to be profound, he dropped the F bomb too many times for that to be his intention. But he said "You are not a Woman until small people come out of your Vagina and step on your dreams". I laughed so hard I woke my husband snoring loudly next to me. I love my children more than anything in the world, but let's get honest, they made me fat. I am sure many of you can relate, but the second I became a Mom is the second I stopped caring for myself. I stopped taking care of my body, my mind and my spirit. I am fairly intelligent although my husband may argue that point, so I know that in theory to take care of my children I need to take care of myself. I used to laugh at that advice. I viewed it as an excuse for the women that get massages and facials and hang out at their clubs. Saying this helped them feel less guilty.
Now I realize that this should be a fundamental rule we live by. Me first, then I can care for you with all my potential. There should be a law that all moms do something for their mind, body or spirit for a minimum of one hour a day. We spend the other 16 hours doing things for our bosses, schools, clients, spouses, parents, and kids. Why not an hour? I challenge you to do something for an hour that is not about anyone else. This is what the Hot Yoga is forcing me to do. I have no choice but to think of myself for 90 minutes. There are no smartphones, no computers and as I have mentioned before you can't exit unless the room is on fire. You are trapped and forced to focus on you. I realize that this is one of the things that makes the class so very difficult.
Today was my 6th class. I took the 9:30 class. If I break down the day and what I was doing, it seems very reasonable to devote that 90 minutes to me.

Here is how it looked, just for fun graph your day. 14 hours since I woke up. Where does the time go you ask? It is fascinating.

3 hours - kids - waking kids, dressing them, feeding them, yelling at them, driving them, taking crutches to the junior high because 12 year old insists she can not walk on broken pinkie toe
2 hours - me - yoga, shower, potty breaks
3 hours - school - sorting, packing, delivering spirit gear, stopping in class to sign the communications slip that says my 8 year old called the lunch monitor "nasty", baking Maple Cookies for Heritage Feast tomorrow (Canada, although someone suggested the most accurate thing would be to bring beer)
1 hour - other - go Red committee work
1 hour - other - driving
1 hour - working on editing and organizing photos from photo shoot
3 hours - family - huge stock up Costco run, loading and unloading Costco run (this should have earned me activity points on weightwatchers), putting groceries away, breaking down recycling, cleaning house, cleaning van, taking down Christmas lights (although that was accidental, tripped on extension cord when putting garbage cans away which caused a domino effect of strings of lights coming off the roofline, figured I would just get the ladder and keep going, only broke two bulbs) Making dinner, forcing children to eat dinner, working on potty training the puppy.
And on top of all this I need to find a new job?

It is now after 9:00 and I still have more batches of the cookies to make and my husband just asked me what the deal was with the clothes on the bed. "Uh, they are clean and need to be put away". Maybe I can find 15 more minutes today for me. Wait I just used those 15 minutes writing this blog.

Week Two

Well, I was quiet for two days. Because I could barely move. I started on my new Blood Pressure Meds last week and either they worked too well or the Hot Yoga did me in. Because my BP this weekend was super low and I could not even stay awake. Which really made my husband happy. (there is only bold or italic for the lettering, no sarcasm type font)
So Today was the start of the new week. I landed at 5 pounds down after a week, yeah me. Pretty sure I sweated all my unnecessary body fluid in yoga and clearly that weighs five pounds.
So last week did 4 hot yogas and one Zumba.
Went to Hot Yoga tonight. Clearly I worry the instructor; she put me by the door and opened it several times. I figured out if I tried to look like I was going to faint she opened the door. It became kind of like a game for me. But it backfired because a couple times she left it open so long I actually got cold!
I went to the store again tonight and clearly this is going to be one of my many challenges. I was white knuckle again and the damn ding dongs were right there again. I didn't realize until now how bad my habits were. On many visits to the store it was not uncommon for me to stop in the bakery for a donut or two, one of which got eaten while I shopped. That is so sad. I would rationalize it that they made me thirsty and I always drank a giant bottle of water with them so that made it okay.
Today I am so fricking Hungry I am very cranky. While in the store I kept barking at my 12 year old. At one point she asked me for the third time while on the same aisle what I was getting. I snapped "cereal, what do you think it is the cereal aisle" I think I hissed too. When we got home her Safeway chinese which is really quite gross, actually looked amazing to me. Plus she would not stop talking, I finally had to ask her not to talk because mommy was hungry.
I did a photo shoot today for a friend and her adult kids, and that was a great distraction. I am really going to start thinking about trying to make a part time business out of it. It makes me very happy.
So here are some things I learned about Weightwatchers and Hot Yoga today:
1 - I think it is a bunch of crap that as you lose weight you get less points. Whatever I am sure it works, but it seems like I should get a reward not less food.
2 - Really? wth? if you are a smoker and doing Hot Yoga, that seems a little warped. I do not enjoy smelling the nicotin being sweated out of your pores.
3 - I think because of multiple sinus surgeries I really avoid breathing with my nose. Who knew that was going to be one of the hardest things in the class for me today.
4 - I really got a kick out of watching the gal in her first class make a face when they said your only goal is to stay the entire time. Ha! You may be all skinny bitch, but it sure was fun to see you wanting to bolt about half way thru.
5 - I am certain that it is possible to pull an ovary.
6 - It is actually physically possible for one bead of sweat to start at your neck and go all the way down your back, dodge your bra strap and go straight down your butt crack.
7 - And no one but me seems to think that #6 is fascinating.
8 - If you leave your yoga towel in your car, your car will smell like butt.
9 - Jello may be zero points, but so is eating air.
10 - Baileys is not zero points, but is much more satisfying than eating air.
11 - I turn forty in two weeks. It finally hit home when I noticed that the milk in the fridge doesn't expire until after I turn forty.

TGIF? or WTF?

I know there was a "F" involved yesterday somehow. I think it all caught up with me Friday. The wheels came off the bus as they say. Each day I have good intentions and a good plan, and it is completely exhausting trying to keep the train on the tracks. What is with the transportation analogies, I must want to get away.
The plan was to go to my 8 year olds presentation at school, take Nancy to work, go to Hot Yoga at noon, deal with my daughter's after school schedule, various errands, pick up Nancy and daughter, make dinner, then go ride a mechanical bull with my cousin at a bar called Cowgirls Inc.
It sounded like a good idea. Here is how the day actually went and a small glimpse into the noise in my head:

7:30 am Wake Up late - Rush to get 8 year old ready for school. He is nervous about his presentation and not cooperating; won't eat breakfast; Keeps asking for reassurance that I WILL be at his presentation and on time; "yes, Henry" as I roll my eyes "I promise mommy will be there"
8:20 - phew, kid driven to school, not late, uh oh, mommy wants to chat with me, please don't come up to the car I have ratty pjs on and my husband's shoes.
8:30 - home, quiet, heaven...clean up a bit, ouch it hurts to move, ouch can't bend over to pick up those clothes, damn Zumba class
9:30 - maybe a hot shower will help, Nancy calls, got a flat tire this morning am I going into Redmond today? hmmm...well that will make me go to Yoga, yes, will pick you up at 10:15 to go to Henry's presentation and then will take you to work
9:40 - I am cold, turn heat on before shower, hmmm...maybe I should get under the comforter while it warms up...Dawn Don't Do It!!!
10:30 - F$%k, I fell asleep, omg, omg, omg, I am a terrible mother, awful, the worst, a total failure, S**t, s&^t, s*&t, where are my clothes. Contacts in, sweats on, brush front of teeth, pony, hat, crap where is my phone it's ringing, "yes, Nancy I fell asleep, on my way, crap", OMG I just stepped in Puppy Pee, damn he was not in his kennel, look pee and poop, omg it's on my foot, screw it put on flats, where are my car keys, oh crap don't have time to grab Hayley's dance stuff, grab shorts, "really Dawn you think you are going to make Yoga", Oh no, maybe I won't miss the presentation, he is going fourth, oh no he is going to be scarred for life, gawd what is Scott going to say, great add it to the list.
10:36 - Nancy get in the fricking car
10:38 - school drive way, throw keys at Nancy, park it babe, damn why is his class on the 2nd floor and the farthest from the door, Run Dawn Run, Oh crap this bra sucks, Run, up the stairs, damn I really don't like to run. Omg, I am the worst mom ever, Omg, I hope I don't look too scary.
10:39 - Oh no, there is Adam, okay, he isn't talking, just open the door and go in, open, "hello everyone", about 20 parents and 25 kids turn to look at me. Maybe I should bow and say "you can start now, I am here". Geez look how nice all the parents are dressed, Gawd I am a loser. Oh Know, look at Henry's face, he isn't sure if he should be happy to see me, mad or mortified. I am a terrible mother. Oh geez I am panting from the sprint.
10:45 - OMG this is so boring!
11:00 - Henry's turn, little guy looks so nervous, hey at least his clothes match today, omg he is SO cute, so handsome, uh oh, I must be staring with a goofy look on my face, he looks worried. Here he goes, a presentation on Canada. Oops, there is his family tree, but the lines are all wrong and warped looking. Sort of dysfunctional, well that's accurate. oh look, he added some other facts to his report, good job. Wonder if he brushed his teeth this morning. Yeah, he is done. Can I go now or would that be super rude?
11:20 - yeah, I am outa here. quick hug, "Henry I gotta sneak out early to take Nancy to work" Henry loudly "I thought you said you had to leave early to go to Yoga"
oh geez
11:40 - Nancy to work, me to Hot Yoga
12:00 - didn't bring clean towel, gross. Omg there is puppy pee on my foot. Wait, there are no amateurs in this class. Wait there is my friend Jenny in the front. Wow, she is amazing, holy cow, how does she do that! And she has boobs, guess I can't use that excuse any more
12:05 - I am hot
12:15 - It is hotter in here today I am certain
12:16 - I wonder what time it is, I am hot
12:45 - I think I am going to die
1:00 - Okay I am tapping out, my new goal today is to just not leave the class, I am going to practice the corpse pose for the rest of the class. That will still be an accomplishment right?
1:05 - I am hot
1:10 - If I scootch down a little I can get my toes under the drapes and touch the metal trim, ohhhhhh....that is nice.
1:11 - oops must have moaned, Hi teacher, "no I am okay, I have a pacemaker and just having trouble with the heat today" yeah that sounded good. Hey at least she checked on me
1:13 - I am hot
1:30 - OMG, I didn't die, yeah me, "Hi Jenny, yes I was here, in the corner, yeah the one laying on the floor"
1:45 - pick up Hayley's dinner at Subway - people staring at my shorts and my legs and the sweat soaked shirt. Look away people, look away.
1:50 - oh geez how am I going to get home, get her dance bag packed, find her leotard and get this stuff to the school by 2:10. Okay her ride doesn't come til 2:30 I can do this
2:00 - I have to take a shower
2:10 - where is the #%%% leotard
2:20 - "hi honey here is your stuff" "excuse me, you don't like this carpool, because you have to wait 15 minutes for Mrs. Yerges" "really?"
2:30 - grocery store for dinner supplies. OMG the ding dongs are on special and they have displays everywhere. Okay, one can't be that many points. put them back. OMG, I am white knuckling the cart, I need to get out of here. plus, I just said hi to a mom I know and she ignored me, I think she doesn't recognize me with the wet hair stuffed in the ski hat. Whatever, bite me. If I get out of here without ding dongs, it is an accomplishment
2:50 - yeah me!
3:15 - Henry Home, you wanna play xbox, knock yourself out dude.
3:30 - "Hello, boys and girls club" "yes I missed the sign up deadline for my 3rd grader for basketball, is there still room for him on a team" "yes?" yeah me, not loser mom. "practice starts tonight at 6:00" okay
3:45 - oh look a text from June, "did you stand me up today?" Oh crap. we were going to play racquetball at noon, but I had told her on chat last night that after Zumba my ankle couldn't do racquetball. I thought she got that message, guess not, great she thinks I stood her up. Call and apologize.
4:30 - bull riding tonight, nope I am out, gotta learn to know my limits, just do dinner with Terri since I have not seen her in weeks and weeks
5:00 - make dinner
5:40 - hurry Henry, make the shoes fit, they are just stiff because they are new
6:00 - drop Henry
6:15 - pick up Nancy
6:25 - pick up Hayley
6:40 - drop Nancy
6:55 - send Hayley in to get Henry from practice
7:10 - reheat dinner
7:30 - at Lanponis waiting for Terri
7:50 - Terri texts, she messed up and is at Simones and already ordered a drink. Chemo Brain good excuse. Head to Simone
8:00-10:00 - catch up with Terri and proceed to eat all weekly bonus points, discuss potential plans for my 40th birthday. Terri does not think skipping it or hiding somewhere sucking my thumb is an acceptable option
10:15- home, kids screaming, fighting over xbox
11:00 - finally restore peace
11:10 - I am hungry
12:00 - Henry asleep
12:00-1:00 - work on Tamese and Terri's belated Christmas presents
1:00ish - I think the ambien finally kicked in.

Day Four, not Hot

Okay, today the plan was the noon Hot Yoga. That didn't work so well. I laid down on the couch at 10 to "rest" and literally passed out. I don't think anything would have woke me. I think my body gave itself a time out. When I woke up everything hurt, but mostly my hips. I think I pulled an ovary. My body seems to be in strike mode today, like "really you do nothing for a year and now in one week you think you can do hot yoga?"
So I missed yoga but instead went to a Zumba Open House. Now for some reason I was thinking it was like a social thing with friends. They mentioned snacks. But NOOOOOO, it was full on aerobic work out for two hours. I made it about an hour and 20 minutes. More Sweating, although it really didn't feel hot, I think I have a new definition of hot so that is a bonus from the yoga. I loved the Zumba. I did feel more comfortable in the crowd, like I found my people. There was all shapes and sizes and many actually had bigger than "a" cup boobs. Tamese was there so she drove that average chest size up.
My ankle that I hurt last year is really swollen. But I deserve that because the injury was a the result of total stupidity. A year ago this week I went to visit my family in Las Vegas. I was feeling sorry for myself after the heart surgery. I decided that my cousins and I needed to do something to mark the New Year. I convinced Sandy and her daughter after doing a hike to jump into the pool fully clothed to do a Polar Dip, since it was about 40 degrees. I convinced her that this was how people cleansed the bad year and started the new year fresh. I decided to do this leap from the waterfall about 7 feet up, Sandy being the smarter of the two of us, chose the side of the pool and the deep end. Me,I jumped towards the shallow end. Now I am not really good at Physics, but 200 pound woman travelling at a certain velocity hitting the bottom of the pool....you get the picture. Needless to say I ended up at urgent care. The worst part was having to meet my husband, Scott, in baggage claim in Seattle being pushed in a wheel chair. The look on his face was a combination of disgust, humor, and just plain embarrassment for being married to me.
The ankle is still swollen. Thanks to the pacemaker I can not have an mri to determine the extent of the injury and I am afraid to go back to the foot doctor because I am certain surgery is next and I just can't handle another one. So a year later I deal with the pain and the deformed ankle and the stupidity.
I am under my points today, but I am hungry and still awake, so that could be a problem.
When I crawled up the front steps tonight after the Zumba there was an Amazon package. For me! I rarely get gifts. It was a book from a client of mine that is also a friend. What a treat! It is called The Game On Diet and she said her and her husband lost 25 pounds on it. It looks really fun! That made my day!
Well Forty is now 18 days away. I started a list a couple of months ago "forty things to do before I turn forty". It was mostly started as a joke with my friend June while we were at a bar to watch our favorite local band. Many have helped me add to it. I don't think there are even forty things on it, but many things have been accomplished. Some of the goals included: Skinny Dipping in Lake Sammamish, Kissing a Stranger on the mouth, Trapeze lesson, Do a Flash Mob, Ride a mechanical Bull... You get the idea. I am still taking suggestions for the list as it is now things to do the year I turn forty. All but one of the above items have been accomplished or are scheduled before my birthday.
My cousin invited me to go to a bar called Cowgirl tomorrow night. She plans to ride the bull, so here is my chance. When I asked my husband if he minded if I went out, he said that I could go only if I promised NOT to ride the bull. He seems to have in his mind that I am prone to injury, go figure. So at this point I have said I won't...Wonder how many beers it will take before I forget that promise...and I wonder how many weight watchers points a beer is?

Day Three of Diet Hell

Okay, I am officially starving to death. I ate all my points by 2:00. Today was a challenge, I was more aware of when and what I eat. I for sure eat when I am stressed, I eat when I am bored, I eat when I am not hungry, pretty much I eat when I breathe. Not good.
I made it to my third day of Hot Yoga. Third day is the charm. I did better today. Today the teacher put me in a special spot in the corner. Like I was a bad doggie. But it turned out she could come open the door near me occasionally and I would get a breath of cool air. HEAVEN. So I was able to participate more. I still think it is very smart to put the new people on their first class as far away from the door as possible. Because I am certain the last two days if I had been in the spot I was at tonight, I would have made a run for it.
It is interesting how my body can do some of the poses decently but some not even at all!!!! I guess my body does not want to be a camel. I found the teacher I like, she is kind but firm and seems to care if I die or not in her class.
I have been paranoid about passing gas in class. Today it happen, not as big of a deal as I thought. I was in the corner and it was quiet or I was just to hot to give a damn. Too much information?
My new goal is to get skinny enough to wear the cute yoga clothes.

So what did I learn about Hot Yoga on Day Three:

#1 - Going without Panties does not make you cooler
#2 - I am the only one that thought it was funny when someone was snoring during the pre-warm up before class
#3 - Taking a shower before class and going with wet hair also does not make you cooler
#4 - I still don't like to be hot (that is for Sandy who listens to me whine in Vegas when it is 80)
#5 - You don't feel like throwing up on day three

End of Day Two

Survived Day Two. Ate more points than I had. That darn Starbucks bacon gouda snuck on me, 10 points, really?
My thoughts went to how warped Females are about their body image. I was still trying to wrap my brain around the actual number on my weight as Forty bears down on me. I was thinking back to other milestones in my life.
When I graduated High School I weighed 118 pounds and thought my butt was big.
When I got Married I weighed about 130 and I remember wishing I could lose weight for my dress.
When I got pregnant with my daughter I weighed 140 and I remember worrying that I went into the pregnancy too heavy and that would be unhealthy for the baby.
Two years ago when my health really started to go south, I weighed 160-70 and I thought I was obese.
Even at 118 I didn't wear skimpy clothes. I remember thinking it was a big deal to wear a strapless prom dress. In my twenties I never was comfortable wearing a tank top because I thought my arms were fat.
What I would not give right now to have any of the above bodies back!
So here we are 60 pounds more than any of those days and on day two of Hot Yoga. Remember, don't wear tank tops. Well after about 5 minutes I had stripped down my shirt to a white sports bra. I figured, screw it, I will make everyone else feel good about themselves. Except then I obsessed over that I needed to shave my pits. So that was distracting.
So what did I learn about Hot Yoga on Day Two:
#1 - Men should be made to stay to one side of the room and not spread out all over the place so I have no choice but to look at your sweaty hairy back, put on a shirt.
#2 - If you spill water in front of my mat, wipe it up, because I will stare at it the whole time and be reminded of the puppy puddles at my house.
#3 - I still don't enjoy being hot.
#4 - Exhaling the F word out loud on accident when you realize the class is not even half over when you thought you were almost done, is not appreciated.
#5 - People will be freaked out by you if you ask them if they know cpr before you lay your mat next to them.
#6 - The poses on the floor would be way easier if I was flat chested.

Day Two

Day Two and I am awake at 5:30 am with a blazing headache that never went away from last night. That and the foster puppy, yes a puppy because I didn't have enough stress in my life, lets add more; woke up to go outside.
Despite the hot yoga from hell, a ton of water and a big fat Ambien, I slept terribly. Someone tell me when the great sleep will come. They say that when you exercise and start making healthy choices you sleep better. I will let you know when that happens. Until then the Ambien stays and I will continue to hide the car keys (you don't want to know).
My Blood Pressure is super high, which may explain the headache. The problem with having health issues that are complicated and to a certain extent unexplainable, is that it tends to make you a bit paranoid. The year leading up to my heart surgery involved some fainting episodes similar to the one I had while in the hospital. The one in the hospital showed that my heart stopped, which ultimately sent me on this journey. But when they can not tell you WHY your heart stops when you faint, well it tends to make you shall I say a bit PARANOID. So when the most common thing you face when starting hot yoga is light headed and dizziness and you tend to have a neurotic personality in general, well you get the idea. PARANOIA. So I am on the fence about going to day two today of the hot yoga. I am currently googling the issue and have faxed my Cardiologist. So we shall see...
The bonus is that the nausea will make it easier to stay under my weightwatcher points!

Day one of the New Dawn

Well today was day one of my new healthy living torture. I learned a few things I would like to share with you.
What I learned about Dieting today
#1 - Do not sign up for weightwatchers because of their spokesperson Jennifer Hudson. Because really the odds are she had weightwatcher executives babysitting her 24 hours a day 7 days of week. I bet they monitored everything she ate and chased her around a running track luring her with big wads of money. Because really our Jen was a big girl, that has had some major stress, had a baby and is not 20 anymore.

#2 - No matter how much you love the person you are doing the diet with, unfortunately you can not share points with them. If you have extra, they can't have them. It doesn't work that way.

#3 - When you start calculating how many points toothpaste is and other non-food fluids, you may be taking it too far.

What I learned from my first day of exercise; A Bykrams Hot Yoga 90 minute class

#1 - Find out before you arrive that is is HOT yoga.

#2 - Should not have laughed when they indicated that us newbies should only have one goal and that was to stay in the room for the entire 90 minutes. Really? That sounded easy. I was looking for the emergency exits 15 minutes in.

#3 - I was curious as to why they put the newbies as far away from the door as possible. Ah, see number 2.

#4 - Helpful hint; do not put body lotion on prior to a Hot Yoga Class.

#5 - I learned that I do not enjoy being hot.

#6 - I learned that no matter how much eucalyptus aromatherapy you pump into the room, when you have that much sweat in a room, you will smell it.

#7 - I am pretty sure Namaste means "Thank God the class is over"

#8 - I am really good at the Savasana pose, otherwise known as the corpse pose.

#9 - I learned if you faint during the Savasana pose no one will notice.

#10 - But if you do moan loudly during any other pose people will notice.

#11 - I am certain that much heat and sweat can not possibly be good for my pacemaker bionic equipment, better ask at the next cardiologist visit.

#12 - Staying in the room for 90 minutes was a brutal goal, but I accomplished that at least. I only knocked over a couple of skinny chicks in my rush for fresh cooler air.


So end of Day One - let's take stock: I am still standing, I am hungry, I have a blazing headache because my blood pressure is super high, I have showered twice so I am really clean. And wondering if I take an ambien and I end up sleep eating, do those points count?