Let's get Happy in 30 minutes or less...

So I am pondering life today, which is code for sitting in front of the computer in my pajamas surfing Facebook. I come across an article posted from Real Simple Magazine. One of my new mottos "simplify"; so maybe this will be good.
It is titled
"OOOOhhh, I want to be happy in the next 30 minutes this will be good.
Trust me you know where this is heading.
As I read, all I can think is that someone actually got paid to write this total bullshit.

Let's analyze this, maybe it will help you.

1. Raise your activity level to pump up your energy. If you're on the phone, stand up and pace. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Put more energy into your voice. Take a brisk 10-minute walk. Even better...

Really?, I went back to bed after the kids were gone, If I could raise my activity level I would but, I get winded on the stairs, and if I put more energy in my voice while on the phone, my best friend, will ask me if I have taken the wrong meds today or been spiking my hot chocolate with Baileys again.

2. Take a walk outside. Research suggests that light stimulates brain chemicals that improve mood. For an extra boost, get your sunlight first thing in the morning.

Huh, I live in the Northwest. You know rain. What sunlight? It's fricking dark first thing in the morning, it's November you dumbass. Oh wait, maybe they mean I should sleep in until it is actually light out, yeah that might make me happy. And if I go for a walk outside, I need to take a dog, and which one, if I have to pick I feel guilty about the other two. But they are so ill trained I can't take more than one and then that thought process just starts me feeling guilty about how I have let these dogs down by not training them to be more well behaved but I think well there is a reason they are rescues.

3. Reach out. Send an e-mail to a friend you haven't seen in a while, or reach out to someone new. Having close bonds with other people is one of the most important keys to happiness. When you act in a friendly way, not only will others feel more friendly toward you, but you'll also strengthen your feelings of friendliness for other people.

I might be on board with this one. I do reach out...a lot. In fact it is shocking I still have friends. Cause I reach out all the time. Texts, "please stop me from eating this cupcake" Middle of the night Ambien induced desperate depressing emails about my life. Snarky comments on their facebook pages. Yeah let's do that to someone that I have not seen in a while. "Hi how's life?...mine?....hmmm, let me send you the link to my blog" "hello?, hello? you still there, oh looks like you deleted your fb page interesting""act in a friendly way" Isn't that just saying the old phrase "fake it til you make it". I don't think I have the fake friendly gene.

4. Rid yourself of a nagging task. Deal with that insurance problem, purchase something you need, or make that long-postponed appointment with the dentist. Crossing an irksome chore off your to-do list will give you a rush of elation

I get it, this might work if there was only one of those types of items on my list instead of ten. Rush of elation? I can think of some other things that give me that, but crossing the dentist off my to do list is not one of them.

5. Create a more serene environment. Outer order contributes to inner peace, so spend some time organizing bills and tackling the piles in the kitchen. A large stack of little tasks can feel overwhelming, but often just a few minutes of work can make a sizable dent. Set the timer for 10 minutes and see what you can do.

Okay, I admit I tried this. I set the timer too. But while I was in the kitchen I decided to get a snack. Then I needed to make some hot chocolate. Well then the dogs wanted a snack so we had to play and earn our treats. Then I ate one of the kid's cupcakes they made at the cupcake diy event I took them to yesterday. By the time I tackled the bill pile I had one minute left and was weeping from trying to figure out how I was going to pay them without a job. Yeah that was fun I feel way more serene now bitch.

6. Do a good deed. Introduce two people by e-mail, take a minute to pass along useful information, or deliver some gratifying praise. In fact, you can also...

I think maybe I should just let this one be. and just move on to number 7

7. Save someones life. Sign up to be an organ donor, and remember to tell your family about your decision. Do good, feel good―it really works!

Save someones life? WTH? the article is 9 things to make you feel happy in the next 30 minutes. Like us women don't already feel the weight of the world on our shoulders, let's add save someones life? Are you fricking kidding me? What's next world peace? How about we just try taking a bath or eating some chocolate or hugging a pet? Really? fuck I give up.

8. Act happy. Fake it 'til you feel it. Research shows that even an artificially induced smile boosts your mood. And if you're smiling, other people will perceive you as being friendlier and more approachable.

Wait a second isn't this basically the same as number three. You could not even come up with 9 original ideas? This is bullshit. Okay, research shows that a fake smile boosts your mood. I am trying this, so if you see me today with a fake smile plastered to my face, go with it, No I have not been drinking and no I did not take a xanax.

9. Learn something new. Think of a subject that you wish you knew more about and spend 15 minutes on the Internet reading about it, or go to a bookstore and buy a book about it. But be honest! Pick a topic that really interests you, not something you think you "should" or "need to" learn about

WTF?!!!! Thirty minutes? Go to the bookstore. Seriously, I am in my pajamas it will take more than 30 minutes to shower, get dressed, drive to the bookstore, stop at Starbucks. Then you want me to learn something new! First you want me to save a life and learn something new all in the next 30 minutes just to improve my mood. Author of this article, you are a demented moron.

I am just going to take a 30 minute nap and eat the other child's cupcake.


http://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/emotional-health/things-can-happy-next-minutes-10000001809876/index.html#.TsKN5SwRmcM.facebook

Guess What?

Guess What?
I am still fat. In fact I have gained weight. WTH.
I took Henry, the 9 year old, to Target last week. He was totally sucking up because he wanted a new Lego, so he came around to the driver's side of the van and opened my door for me. How sweet is that?
I stepped out of the car and thanked him politely.
"Mom, that is so cool"
"What is Henry?" I say as I smile lovingly at my little gentleman while looking around to see if any other Moms saw how wonderful my child was.
"I can tell how heavy you are because when you got out of the car the entire thing raised higher"
"WHAT?"
"Yeah, when you got out, the car got higher on that side, and since you were the only one in the car that means you were the reason the car was sitting lower. That's cool." As he heads towards Target. He pauses and wonders about the stricken look on my face. He is also very tuned in to people's feelings. This time he speaks slower hoping I might understand if he does.
"Mom get it, cause you put pressure on the tires... What's wrong?"
"Henry I get it, but I think that you just called me fat"
Henry totally horrified thinking of the lost Lego "NO Mom, it just means you are big enough to move the car....." He trailed off, then said
"Mom I don't think you are fat, can we still look at the Legos?"

Hello Naked, I am still here...

Life as usual has been kicking team Dawn's butt for the past year. Much of which I can not blog about due to potential legal reasons as in the people I want to talk about might sue me.
Plus I have been so stressed out that I have just not had the energy to write. What I realized at 2:00 am today that writing gives me energy. Also, this past month has been chalk full of so much great blog material that I just can't resist. They will be in no particular order and names will be changed to protect the innocent.
Imagine a week or so ago getting an invite to a Facebook Event "Jenny's Milestone Birthday Celebration" That would be Jenny and the milestone is 40.
Okay, I am all for those kind of events, I feel like I am still celebrating mine 8 months later. Let's open it what is the plan....hmmm, Tuesday night, yikes that is junior high curriculum night....hmmmm she is 8th grade and goes to High School next year do I really care and I can convince Scott to take one for the parental team and go alone. We may be separated but get along better than most married people. Wonder what the plan is, Jenny's fun....Dancing, drinks, food, ladies bowling?

Try to follow my thought process here....

Here is the message from the planner, Lori.


Well, the short version would be that Jenny has a "Milestone" birthday coming up next Tuesday and we thought we'd take a field trip to the Olympus Spa in Lynnwood to celebrate! For $35 you can purchase a day pass and hang out at their awesome pools, steam room, sauna, and cold pool! And you can add services onto your day pass like a massage if you want to live it up!

It's like Henry Moses Pool but for mommies!

Even though this is set up as a private event, feel free to ask other to join and I did not mean to intentionally leave anyone out, but I'm not sure if I'm FB friends with everyone so I just did a few of you on this first round! :-)

Wow she has my interest now. Field trip. Spa. Celebrate. Like my favorite water park but no kids. Uh oh. Red Flags.... Spa. Lynwood. Cold Pool. Field trip.

Let's check out what kind of spa sells day use pass, and is Lynnwood.

http://www.olympusspa.net/lynnwood/index.aspx

Pretty. "Welcome to a Unique Women only day spa.
Olympus invites you to experience a new spa culture, which will bring you full of pleasant surprises. "

I don't like surprises. Let's click on Things to Know.

Things to Know:

1. Please make reservations for the services. Okay this seems reasonable, they can't guess we are on our way right?

2. Please arrive one hour prior to services. Okay, again extra time at a spa, no argument here.

3. Women experiencing their period will not be allowed to enter the pools. Say what? Um have they not seen the tampon commercials where women are encouraged to swim and frolic on the beach?

4. Please don't wear swim suits or any footwear. Excuse me? WTF? If I don't wear a swimsuit what do I wear while enjoying the various pools, steam rooms, etc. Um Lori, you online?

5. Customers who have consumed alcohol will not be allowed to enter. Little uncertain here, see number 4.

6. Bring a plastic water bottle. What? they are too cheap of a spa to give us a cup of water? Oh wait it's Lynnwood.

7. If possible do not shave at least 24 hours prior to Body Scrub, Body Moisturizing, and any facial services. Okay red flags, I see no swimsuit and no shaving that equals.....

8. Before bodyscurb service, an hour of soaking (preparation) time is required. WTH? You have to presoak for what reason? How many layers are they planning to scrub off. And what is a "bodyscurb" poor web page master or a Korean scrub of some sort?

9. Gratuity not included in the service price. Duh, see "spa" in the place's title.


Click, Click, Lori you online?
Lori - Please say you can go
Dawn - Lori, looked at the website, what's with the no swimsuit part?
Lori - I don't know
Dawn - Um I think you do
Lori - I think you go naked in the water areas
Dawn - WTF? Are you kidding?
Lori - I am not 100% sure you can bring your swim suit just in case.
Dawn - It says no suits and no periods, that screams naked to me. I don't want to be naked
Lori - It is for Jenny's birthday, she is our hippie friend.
Dawn - yes but the two of you do hot yoga every day and are skinny. I do not and am not. I don't think my self esteem can do it.

I proceed to change my "maybe" rsvp to a polite "hell no" with a comment that "I love you ladies but I do not want to be naked with you."

The night before the event Lori is texting me, please come it is just Jenny and I. Three makes it a birthday party. You had a stressful weekend and you river rafted (another entry to come), it will be good for your muscles and stress. We can make it a man hater night for you!
Bring your swimsuit I am sure the naked part is not mandatory.
Oh Lori, you had me at Three makes it a party. Fine I am in, I better not regret this.
I am getting her the movie Bridesmaids for her gift because this seems like a potential scene from that movie.

Lori picks us up at the dance studio at 5:30 and drives us to Lynnwood in her fancy expensive car. Hmmm, maybe not a good idea in Lynnwood, but an excellent way to have me trapped and unable to leave without her permission.

We find it, it is in a side strip mall area where a Chuck E Cheese is the main attraction and the building looks like it may have been a skating rink at one time. UH OH HO. Red Flags. Dawn has her snarky hat on but I am trying to be good for Jenny's birthday. They are already worried about me and the heat rooms and the pacemakers, they need to not sense my naked discomfort issues. I am not here to ruin her Birthday Party.

We walk in and two Korean gals greet us. Well no, not exactly greet us. Let's say acknowledge us without a smile and say "who are you" and "how you pay". where is my red flag.
You fill out this form. I just sign it, now Lori normally somewhat reserved says not using her inside voice, Dawn you may have trouble with number 7 on this form. hmmm...
#7 No public displays or private liaisons between guests will be tolerated. You will be asked to leave.
Hold your panties, what? Wait this is an all women's club. OHHHHH I get it, no lesbo action allowed. Gee Thanks Lori, that certainly did not get the two desk jockeys to up their service levels at all.

They aslo hand us a towel and a robe that no joke is the kind issued in hospitals or when you have your mammogram, Jenny is 40 so maybe that was the surprise. And a what? You want me to wear this cloth cap over my hair at all times, lovely. I am having flashbacks of preparing for my many surgeries.
She starts our tour by having us leave our shoes at the door. OOOkkkaayy, where are the flip flops, spa slippers, disposable pedi sandals? Nope, barefoot, really, everywhere, yuck.
She proceeds to show us the different rooms we can us with our robes on or off.
I am going to cut and paste from the website to do these descriptions justice. As we pass thru the waiting area in the center of the spa I see the windows to the pool area and proceed to go take a peek. F%$k, yep that is a whole lotta naked. Lots of Naked women with cloth caps on their heads. Crap I paid I am committed. Think Jenny, Jenny would do anything for you Dawn. Suck it up and get naked for her, it will be the most unusual thing you do for a friend's birthday.

We all went into the dressing room, there was some nervous laughter, about the three of us getting naked, well except for Jenny, she is the real deal hippy friend, toured with the Grateful Dead for over 100 shows. Communal bathing in hot springs was a regular occurrence. Plus she is a massage therapist, a duhla and midwife. Naked is not problem for her.
First problem was they gave me a small robe so it wouldn't even close, I had to trade it for the plus size one they gave skinny Jenny. I knew those two at the front desks were bitchy.


Mud and Jade Room
Description:
Dry Mud and Crystals such as Jade, Rose quarts, Aventurine, Aquamarine, Germanium emit Far-Infrared Rays (known as Earth Energy) to promote blood circulations and release the toxins that are locked within the body. It is about 170'F.

Uh, not going in there with a pacemaker, but it says 5 minute limit so I will stand out here and if you two are not out in 5 minutes I will drag your limp bodies out.
Hmm, they have crystals and stones in the walls, and this is suppose to help release toxins. Uh oh, snarky go away. What a load of crap. Knock Knock, ladies it has been 6 minutes don't make me drag you. So Lori, did you feel the jade and quartz (or quarts as the webmaster with issues with english says) Lori, was that an eye roll I just saw. Jenny? Oh yeah I could feel it the air felt more dense. Jenny really? did you smoke something? That was probably the cells in your lungs burning up at 170 degrees. I like that room over there, it's blue and has a cheesy picture of a penguin on it but it is 60 degrees. If you lose me I will be in there.

Sand Room
Description:
This room has sea sand underneath a layer of canvas. . It is about 150'F. Sand and variety of crystals on the wall provide complete fomentation that relieve arthritis, irregular menstral cycles, severe cramping, and light headedness

oooh, this will be like the beach. Let's go in. It will be like the beach. and I hate menstrual cramps or (menstral if you are the webmaster isn't that some musical theater term). Damn there are two other woman in there. oooo, ocean sounds, maybe I can relax in here. cozy into the floor. um Jenny they keep repeating the same 20 seconds of ocean it sounds like a toilet flushing no the ocean. "Dawn this is the best so far, shhh" Oh man, this room makes me have to pee.


Salt Room
Description:
This room has sea salt underneath a layer of canvas and Calcite crystals on the wall. It is designed to alleviate a range of respiratory and skin conditions, including asthma and psoriasis, and to reduce the effects of stress.

ooooh, the salt room. I like this, feels like you are walking on bean bag material. Dang those others here again. I am going to try laying on my stomach cause I can cozy into this warm floor like a big heating bad. And we know I need to reduce the effects of stress. And who knows what Calcite Crystals on the walls can do to me. Maybe I will have an out of body experience. Nope never mind had cardiac arrest once, I take that back. Okay every time I move it sounds like when you move in one of those vinyl 70s bean bag chair which makes me giggle. which makes Lori giggle. Um Hey Jenny how dense is the air in here? tee hee hee. Will I be less bitchy when I leave this room. Hey Lori, I am hungry. Okay clearly I can't meditate or be quiet. The two non party group leaves us alone. Which just makes me giggle more.

Charcoal Room
Description:
Activated charcoals on the walls and elvan stones on the floor create negative irons and Far-Infrared Rays that are best to neutralize free radicals in the body and strengthen immune systems. This room is also good for heavy metal detoxification.

hmmm.. Heavy metal detoxification? Do I need this? I really never had any Black Sabbath or Kiss obsessions. I kind of had a thing for the lead singer of White Snake and that was only because a friend told me her sister did him. Ok, Lori says sit up against the hot wall. so that we can neutralize free radicals and get rid of negative ions. I ask "will this make me less bitchy and more positive when we are done" Yep that drove the last stranger out of the room. Jenny hands us rocks to hold. Like you get out of your yard. I proceed to see if I can hold it between my cleavage without dropping it. Bored easily Dawn? I then start playing with the charcoal on the wall. I am convinced it was Styrofoam painted black.


Elvan Stone Reading Room
Description:
This room is designed for reading and resting. Floor is made of elvan stones. It is about 90'F. It offers unique properties specifically for the benefit of the skin, particularly for minimising freckles and blotchy skin as well as anti-ageing benefit

Okay 90 degrees I can do this and my skin needs all the help it can get and what the hell is an elvan stone. and I did bring my new diet book and I am tired. Uh where do we lay/sit, the floor is stone, I need pillows and a blanket. This is bullshit. Reading room my ass.

Meditation Room
Description:
This room is designed for meditation. Clear your mind and spirit. Underneath a layer of bamboo, the floor is made of Elvan stones, which offer unique properties that provides comfortable and relaxing environment.

Honestly never saw this room. I may have been banned at this point.

Cabin Room
Description:
If your body needs a quick cool down, the Cabin Room at 70 degrees, awash with the musky scent of its pine floors and walls. The Olympus Journal book is available for you to write and share your thoughts with other women from all over the world.


Okay this was a highlight. The sucky part was that it literally looked like a cabin or exactly like one of the hokey rooms at the Great Wolf Mountain Lodge. Oh the flashbacks are hitting.
But the best part besides that the two burly women leave when we enter is that they have a stack of leather journals. You are encouraged to share your thoughts. I am thinking they don't want to hear mine but I will love the reading material. Okay the last two gals wrote some poetry crap about mother earth and puppy blood and wombs. Okay am I on candid camera? Wait there are some nice ones about coming after beating cancer or a treat after chemo, that is so inspiring. Oh look lots of doodles of naked women with the 70s porn star triangle look going on. Okay this is fun but I have lost Lori and Jenny's interest because Jenny says it is time for her to go soak before her scrub.

So off the aquatics center. Shit you do have to leave your hospital robe and belongings in the cubby. Uh ladies I will be right back this requires a facebook post and desperate texts to two friends that didn't think I would really do this.

Okay Jenny drops the robe and is off. Lori, you first. No, you first. Okay drop robe, hold towel in front of body, it is not big enough to wrap around me so Lori enjoy the full moon.

No one else has their towels they are just walking around all naked except for that stupid cap. Evidently finding a long hair in the pool is bad, but shouldn't their be caps for elsewhere. Cause from what I am seeing I should be passing out Stacy's business cards for waxing services at her place "Skin and Bare It".
There is a thing of Wugwort water and women are scooping it up and splashing themselves with it, it looks like poop water and omg I need flip flops.

I am going to the pool with no one in it, I don't care that it is the cold water pool. that will make me look perky. Drop towel, omg my friends saw me naked. Wow my friends look nice. Omg that women has more hair under her pits than my husband. Oh please let the running commentary in my head stop and don't gasp outloud at that pretty ladies full back tattoo.
Okay, going to a pool with Lori. We have a stand off as to who is going to drop their towel first, it is a draw. I did suggest we sit on opposite sides of the spa.

Okay, trying the steam room with Lori, then sauna. Time for Lori and Jenny's services, massage for Lori, scrub for Jenny. Yeah me reading time, I am going back to the salt room that felt like laying on a big heating pad.

When Jenny got out of her scrub, I asked her how it was. She sat down put her towel overhear face and was rocking slightly back and forth. I was "what, what happen". Jenny "she touched/scrubbed literally everywhere except my clitoris"
wow really, would the clitoris have cost extra?
Jenny, blushing and still rocking, I may have just been molested on my fortieth birthday.
I find this hilarious since she is the least self conscious of our group. This was her idea. Although I want to ask how soft her ass crack is now. But mostly to embarrass her some more. I was feeling a little resentful at the images of too much naked now burned into my retinas.
Oh no, Lori is a little conservative, it that happens during her massage we may have to get her some xanax and some therapy. Lori comes out looking like a relaxed noodle and proceeds to say she had a sheet of paper to fill out where she was able to check the boxes that corresponded with the body parts she was not comfortable having touched. Happy Birthday to Jenny!
At this point I tell them I am totally traumatized and if this birthday party does not involve cake now while fully dressed someone was going to get hurt.
So we ended an evening of naked woman bonding at PF Changs Bar with chocolate cake and fortune cookies.
The next day when I ran into Lori, we both shielded our eyes and said Hi without looking at each other, heee heee heee!

We did earn the respect of many of our friends, I showed Jenny how much I care about her and I decided this qualified to mark one of the things off my 40 uncomfortable things to do when I am 40 list. Skinny Dipping! Done, Check!

The Walk of Shame...

No, not the same Walk of Shame from college days. This was the walk of shame in Hot Yoga tonight. Yes after several months hiatus aka not moving my lazy fat ass, I finally went back. I stopped going when I injured my hip and the Doctor said I needed to take a break from it. Now she was not specific about the length of that break. But since it has not hurt since about May 1st, I figured it was time. I have been telling my yoga friends, Jenny and Lori (for those of you who read January entries, that would be the one with the nice boobs and the one with the great legs) but I am off topic, I have been telling them for over two months to keep asking me to go, that I was ready to give it another shot. Yesterday a living social coupon was sent to my email for the Yoga Studio, it was a sign. So I bought and I went tonight.
And Guess What? It is still Hot! As hot as the face of the sun, I am sure of it. Okay I exaggerate but it is something you can't really understand until you have tried it at least twice. Jenny suggested I try going with wet hair and I believe it was Lori who said room temperature water was better than ice cold water during the class. Guess what gals? My hair was dry after 5 minutes in the room and the water was luke warm within 10 minutes. But thanks for the suggestions.
What life lesson did I learn from Hot Yoga today? I learned that goals are good to have, but it is about being flexible in Yoga and that means being willing to adjust your goals for the long term gain. So here is how it sounded in my head tonight. I hope I don't worry you too much.

6:15 Park. You can still bail? No you can not, you told Lori and Jenny you were going and you posted it on Facebook. Lori was at the 12:30 and Jenny was at the 4:30, they won't know. Plus your 30 days on the certificate doesn't start until day one. Day one, Dawn, remember in February when the reporter asked you on the local news if you had any advice for other people in your situation? (you know the fat ass situation) and what did you say? You said "have as many day ones as you need, start over as many times as it takes" You talk a big game bitch now get out of the van.
6:20 I wonder if the instructor will remember me. Of course she will, you fainted and they almost had to call 911 and your pacemaker kicked in and your husband had to come pick you up and you cried like a baby in their lobby. yeah, I think she will remember me. Just stand here and stare at her until she looks up. Try to look sheepish, like you know you should feel guilty that you have not been in so many months.
6:21 "HI DAWN Welcome BACK! How's the Pacemaker? " Yep she remembers you, shit. "Yeah it's good I am very nervous about being back" "well take it easy and sit down as much as you need to just don't lie don't or close your eyes. You look like you have lost weight" Uh huh, that way you know I am still conscious and no you skinny ho I have not lost weight but thanks for reminding me. I know you are thinking why did I have to come back.
6:25 Damn Damn Damn, the coolest spots are taken, okay I am taking the back spot behind Andy Kaufman (see post..."casting call.." archive Jaunary) Damn it is hot in here. I can do this, I can do this. Dang look at that, I look so fat. Holy cow, that is not a good look, I think I have two chins. okay, if I look up and tilt my head this way it is not so bad. Man I have a HUGE forehead, remind me to never get rid of my bangs. Yep, slicking my hair back wet is not helping. Okay there are two chicks gabbing away so they must be new and not know that is bad etiquette. Maybe they will do worse than me in the class, that will make me feel better. That's not nice. Damn it's hot.
6:27 Look at that dragon tattoo down that guys back. Look at those skimpy outfits those gals are wearing, see if you keep doing this you can wear those too. Go Dawn!
6:29 Okay, laying here is not so bad, I can do this, it is not that hot.
6:30 damn it is starting. Okay, this will come back to you. 26 poses two times, you got this. You did great back in January and February. Okay, goal, I need a goal and I also need to stop looking at that guy's ass. Okay, goal is....Do all the poses in each series, maybe rest on the last one. let's do this.
6:32 oh crap I forgot about the breathing. My sinuses hurt, this sucks. Okay, come on, you can handle the breathing. Gawd it is hot in here. I hope she opens the door soon for that cool air break
6:35 Shit when is she opening the door?
6:40 Okay stretching pose, warm up poses. Why am I breathing hard? Crap it is hot
6:41 Okay new goal, do the first series of each posture and stay standing during the second.
6:45ish There is no damn clock in here, gawd is it almost over? What? we are still in the stretching only poses. Oh gawd I can't do this. I might die. Shoot I didn't say goodbye to Tamese today, she is going to be so mad at me if I die.
6:55ish What the hell time is it?
6:56ish It's hot
6:58 Uncle, I am calling Uncle on this crap. I am sitting. Ha, that chick in the bikini is sitting too. I don't care if she is sixty. Oh look that guy is dropping too. Okay sitting, don't lie down, yes the room is spinning, noooo noooo don't close your eyes, don't faint. Stay sitting up, eyes open, don't be a wuss
7:00ish Oh gawd why isn't she opening the door. "Dawn are you okay?" Okay, give her a thumbs up, good job. I should have used my middle finger, maybe later if she does not open the Damn Door!!
7:05ish Thank you for not going to the class Jenny and Lori were at. If they were here I would be losing it cause they would be looking at me with concern on their sweet faces and then I would start crying like I did to Lori on Sunday and then they will be more worried and it will ruin their Yoga and I would feel bad and then I would cry harder and probably hyperventilate and crying is going to waste hydration. It's hot in here.
7:09ish WTH does Bikram not believe in clocks. What kind of deranged cult leader is he. remember that article that said people get aroused doing Bikram Yoga? Yeah right. Who? Cause I would like to know. Cause that is the last thing I am thinking about right now.
7:10ish Okay get up, you have sat out two postures. you can do this one it's easy.
7:11 ish Good girl, that's it one leg, arms up, point your finger at the ceiling, no not the middle one. there we go balance, lock your knee, pivot. Oh boy is the room suppose to spin like that
7:12ish Okay new goal. STAY sitting, do not lay down
7:12ish okay laying down does not make the room stop spinning and it is not any cooler
7:13ish Can't she see I am suffering here, open the fricking door. I am not going to make it. OMG, I have never seen anyone leave the class before. They say you can't leave. What is this a cult, didn't someone die in a sweat lodge in Phoenix. You said you wanted to make the police blotter this year, but not like this.
7:14ish Okay, new goal, just stay in the room for the entire 90 minutes, who cares if I sit, lie down, stand on my head. Do NOT leave the room. If you don't leave the room you can have a cupcake tomorrow.
7:15ish OMG I am going to die, I must leave the room. Did I turn off the gas on the bbq today?
7:16ish NOOOO, stop being a drama queen. you can not leave the room. Okay, new goal if she opens the door before the end of this posture I will not leave the room.
7:22ish OPEN THE DOOR NOW!
7:23ish Okay, new goal, you can leave the room if you make it until they are done with all the standing postures, that way it will be less noticeable
7:25ish okay, stop rocking, and don't start whimpering or keening out loud. Have some pride. Keening that is a cool word, never understood it but I am pretty sure the noise I am trying not to make right now is what they mean in my novels when they say keening. Okay look at me Sara Beth, look at me, can't you tell I am in trouble here and I need you to open the door or tell me I should leave the room. If you tell me to leave I really didn't fail. LOOK AT ME!!!!
7:28ish okay laying down, do NOT PUKE. Okay what happens if you puke, no way I can get to the door and bathroom in time. What if I am sprinting for the door and I puke on someone, omg that would be awful. Don't puke, you have an extra towel, you can wad it up and puke into it. That's disgusting. Better than puking on Andy
7:29ish Okay, I am raising my hand. Yeah, Sara Beth come here don't make me yell it out. "I don't think I can make it, I think I have to go" "are you sure? you need to go? okay walk slowly" "Yes, I need to go"
7:29 Walk of shame. oh crap, headrush that's why she said move slow. Okay new goal don't faint or puke until you are in the lobby and out of the room.
7:30 Okay, I suck. I made it an hour. I don't care that the lobby gal says people leave the class all the time. She is so a liar. Cause I went to at least 20 classes at various times and not once did I see someone leave the class.
7:40 Okay, the spinning can stop now. New goal, stay in the same building as the class until 8:00 so you can go get your mat. Cause it would be more insult to injury to leave it and have the instructor have to get it. Front desk gal just suggested I could re-enter the class. That's funny, so I can do the walk of shame more than one time. Hell no. Or I mean maybe, when the room stops spinning and my stomach stops revolting. Oh and thanks for pointing out where the garbage can is. Has anyone puked in the lobby? No? Oh, there is always a first lady.
8:00 they are looking at me with disdain. Yeah, look away people. Yes, I made you look good. Uh huh, yes I am the one that ditched. Yep, keep staring. Uh huh. Get your mat and get out!
8:05 So which class are you going to tomorrow? Cause there is no way you can do worse, right?

Dawn goes back to College...

Wow, I can not believe I have not blogged since April. It is not because I have not had anything blog worthy, but mainly because life has been so challenging and drama filled that I couldn't actually write about it without offending someone!
But tonight I finally have something that has inspired me to write again after my two month silence.
Recently my good friend, Nancy, got me out of the house and working part time in her Bike Store. It has been terrific. I get to spend time with a fun and good friend, earn a little money and learn about the sport of cycling. I feel like I am actually helping Nancy out and making a difference at the store, even if it is just organizing inventory.
Last Friday I actually got to work with customers. Which consists of me totally trying to fake knowledge of biking while stalling the customer until someone that actually rides a bike can help them. My bike is a Mary Poppins bike, the bikes in this store cost upwards of 10k and you actually have to bend over to reach the handle bars. People actually wear biking apparel to ride them unlike the yoga pants I wear when riding my bike to the Red Hook Brewery. Their bikes are lightweight, have skinny tires and do not have a bell that says "I love Momma" on it. I think I annoyed Nancy the first week because I could not pronounce the brands correctly and I kept making fun of the padding in the crotch of the men's shorts.
I am having a lot of fun and it has turned into the potential for so much more. I am hoping to spend the summer working on their marketing. The website, social media, sales training, etc. One of the owners was so gracious to pay for me to attend a college continuing education class on Effective Website Design. It is an 8 hour class over two days this week at Bellevue College. Not to be mistaken for Bellevue Community College. They dropped the Community part due to some new accreditation. But many of my High School Classmates may still refer to it as the "13th grade".
I loved school. Yes I am a geek, a bookworm, etc. So the idea of taking a college class has had me bouncing off the walls for the last week. I had visions and flashbacks to my University of Washington days. I figured I would be in a classroom full of other eager people, there to soak up the knowledge from an expert instructor and go out and conquer the web. Uh, no, that is not exactly what I found this evening.
So Continuing Education equals Older Students. Now, yes, I am Forty, but in my mind I am still 25. The class takes place at a new campus, each seat had its own computer and the room was very high tech. I took a front row seat and proceeded to watch the other students arrive. I had my pen and paper ready to take detailed notes. I was a sponge ready to soak up the knowledge of Web Design. I should have known it could go south when the first 15 minutes was taken up with the teacher having to keep sending "Lynn" down to the registrar because she was not on the class list and the class was full! She insists that she registered and finally the teacher relents, but then we have to wait while they get a laptop for the extra student. Guess what? One person didn't show so it was totally a mute point.

Class starts, I am a sponge, bring it on.

Teacher - "I want to go around the room, introduce yourself and tell us what you do and why you are attending this class"
Me in my head - GROAN, really? this is more like corporate training not college. Seriously I don't remember having to introduce myself back at UW in Kane Hall. Can you see it? "Hi I am Dawn, I am an Alpha Phi, I like purple" or "Hi my name is Dave, I am totally hungover dude from that awesome frat party last night, Hey, Dawn didn't I see you in the wet tshirt contest?"

So we go around the room and it is like a cast of characters from a Sienfield Episode.

"Hi I am Abigail, but you can call me Abby but not Gail because Gail is like an older women's name. I am here because I just finished college and didn't learn anything practical"

"Hi I am Peggy, my husband travels a lot to India, he has a really important job and I don't really have to work; but since I am now a housewife full time I thought I would start a business which means I need a website. I don't like to be bored."

"Hi I am Lynn" (yes, the one not registered, the one that taking the elevator to the registrar was probably the most exercise she has had in ten years, she is wearing birkenstocks and really shouldn't) "well, I need a website for my Psychic business. Plus I may want to design one for my partner's crafting"
Okay, really, wtf? If you are psychic why didn't you know that you were not registered for the class and called earlier in the day to get it fixed?

"Hi I am Biff" (seriously, the teacher called on him all night because I am certain she liked saying his name) "My parents won't let me live at home unless I am in school" (What he probably didn't say was, "Now I can continue to live there and design my own porn site)

"Hi I am Jerry. I was laid off."

and my favorite...
"Hi I am Dee, I am a graphic designer for the past 20 years. I have only worked in print materials, I figured I should get with the '90s and learn to do websites" Teacher - "uh you do know it is not the nineties right"
Me - (in my head) "Uh, I don't think she does, look at her big bangs"

What did I say, you ask?
"Hi I am Dawn. I was in banking for the last 20 years" (eye roll and giggle) "I suffered from cardiac arrest a little over a year ago, so now I am having a midlife crisis and trying to decide what I want to do when I grow up"
Teacher - "you are okay now right, cause I don't know cpr"

By about an hour in to the class I had learned absolutely nothing except that older students like to participate in class by offering questions, commentary and their opinions on the various topics. It was not like that the first go around at college. First of all teachers did not necessarily encourage classroom participation unless they wanted to call on you to see if you were awake. Plus, they didn't slow down and teach to the lowest intelligence level and they did not encourage dumb questions. You either kept up or you didn't. There was no allowing the students to add their insights. And at UW particularly if it was a math class, it was taught by a Teacher's Assistant that English was not the first language and you knew to pay attention or at least haul your butt down to the student union building to preorder the classroom notes that were taken by someone that clearly understood the math and the accent of the TA.
I tried hard the first hour to be a good student. I followed the rules although my fingers were itching to start blogging on the computer in front of me. I even participated, until Peggy, thinking that being the oldest meant she was the smartest, actually thought I might not know what an Internet browser was and proceeded to explain it to me. Peggy, I did not come here to learn from you, I want to learn from the teacher. Thanks Peggy, and btw it is called sunscreen, maybe you should have tried it.
At this point, my droid phone came out (keyboard does not make noise), I wedged it between my crossed legs and proceeded to start my facebook posts, and some instant messaging to keep me from screaming. My 13 year old text me, she asked how come she can't text in class at Junior High but I can text in a college class. I told her because I was not getting caught.
I have never heard so many people talk that did not know what they were talking about. Everyone seem to have something to comment on and tried to use big words to make it sound like they actually knew something more than how to turn the computer on. My favorite was Lynn, she kept asking questions about designing websites for "Chrome" versus Internet Explorer or Firefox. Really? Come on Lynn. First of all aren't you the one that just told everyone Bing was better than Google? And really? If you are that good of a psychic can't you predict the percentage of users that actually use Chrome? Or do you even know it is a browser? Cause if you were paying attention she just showed us a slide that gave the percentage of users for each browser and Chrome was not in the top three.
So at 9:15 the class ended and yes we were given homework! We also were given the opportunity to fill out a day one survey. Guess who wrote "I would like to have the class taught less by the students and more by the teacher please, thank you"
At least I was a polite snarky bitch.

Cranky Pants in the House

Okay, warning, I have my cranky pants on tonight. Let the complaining began.

Today was an eventful day. I gave a presentation on behalf of the American Heart Association at a Kiwanis meeting in my hometown of Issaquah. I did give the disclaimer at the start that "views, opinions, commentary and/or jokes" were my personal opinion and not those of the association. After the Erectile Dysfunction sidetrack at the last presentation I figured I should add that disclaimer. Now I don't know if you have ever been to a Kiwanis meeting, I had not. They are a worldwide service organization and they do a lot of good in our community.
There were about 35 people ranging in age from 30-75. The first 30 minutes of the meeting was very entertaining. I was glad Scott had come to support me because I don't know if I can describe this adequately. But a designated Kiwani (not sure what they call themselves) carried a white hat around the room. People stood and put one dollar bills into the hat. They called it a "happy dollar", then proceeded to tell a story of something that happen to them that week or day. There was also "Sad dollars" and "nostalgia dollars". Here are some examples (edited for time, trust me they liked to hear themselves talk)
Happy Dollars
"Well you know that barn fire the other night." (hmmm...Happy? dollar) "Well that was our neighbors barn and I was the one that called 911. We woke up to popping noises and my husband looked out the window and saw a wall of flames thru the trees. He hopped out of bed swearing up a storm. I had to turn the light on to use the phone because you know now adays they are all portable and you have to turn them on and I couldn't find the on button in the dark. I had never called 911 before so it was very exciting. But I accidentally called 411, city and state please. Darn, finally got it right. The fire department came and put the fire out. The bad news is that the Rooster survived."
Now, if you know me, you must be so proud of me for sitting straight faced during this 30-40 minutes and not making any snarky remarks to Scott. Our favorite Happy dollar was when the gal across from us announced that yesterday she found out she was voted the Queen of Issaquah! So she would not be flipping salmon at the booth since she would be riding in the float during the parade! She was so happy she had tears in her eyes. Everyone Clapped.
No Joke, a woman that had already had her turn, whipped another dollar out of her purse and called the guy back to tell her story of how she was the Queen of Issaquah in like 2001. Not to be outdone, another woman stood, threw a dollar in and said she could top that she was the 2nd Queen in 1963 and since the first one had moved away (probably code for died), that actually made her the 1st Queen. Then a man stood up to announce "I was the King of Issaquah one year which means I am the King today with three Queens." Come on you know I had a list of comments for that one!
Scott later said that he was shocked that the women did that and that the first gal looked very unhappy about it, particularly when one of the gals had corrected her and said she would not be on a float but in a convertible. SNARKY! Loved it! I explained to him that Bitchy had no age limit.
Some of the Sad Dollars involved a detailed story of how a shower leak caused him a $900 plumber bill. Or the one where the man said he would miss the Auction because he had to go to California to deal with a personal and very complicated Family matter that he could not discuss. There were a couple of sad dollars for a wife that was having knee replacement. I was totally waiting for a happy dollar from someone saying their fiber intake was going well and that they had a bowel movement every day that week, hooray!
All I could think was I have a few dollars I would like to throw in that hat. So after the dollar chats it was my turn to speak. Not to be outdone I did mention that I marched in that parade three times winning 1st place ribbons for those performances. Top that Queens. It was a 30 minute discussion of heart health. Because the crowd was "older. I spent a large amount of time on the symptoms of heart attack and stroke. I also encouraged them to all take the time to watch a one minute video on the AHA website to learn hands only CPR. I figured at this age prevention was probably not the key anymore. The brochure I had with me to pass out is called "the seven simple steps". I resent that title. There is nothing "simple" about diet and exercise. Cause if it was "Simple" I would be a size 8.
I believe that the brain of a woman has one of those built in things that the eye doctor uses. You know you look thru it and he/she changes the lenses, "which is better, a or b, c or d". I feel that is the filter we use to see our bodies. Hence eating disorders. Mine seems to change daily. Some days, I am like okay, not bad, getting better. Then there are days or weeks, like now, where I look in the mirror at the gym and only see Humpty Dumpty. Really, forget apple or pear shaped, I am Egg shaped. Maybe it is all the Easter images. But I swear to you that is what I looked like tonight. With the sports bra strapping the girls down, I looked like a giant Easter egg on stilts. It was very distracting. I take two classes on Wednesday nights. The first is a weight lifting class to music called Bodypump. So every time I leaned over to row the darn bar, it was like watching Humpty bend over. So I got more depressed and cranky as the hour went on. It was not so bad when we laid on our backs on the bench and I could suck it in and gravity helped. But as soon as we stood up, Humpty was back. It didn't help that the British instructor who looks like a blonde Leprechaun was wearing a revealing tank and her purchased girls were like two golden eggs mocking me. Plus she yells at us and calls us "team". Trust me I was not feeling like a team player.
So lets say when my dance mommies arrived to join Pam and I for the second hour, a dance aerobics class called S'hbam, I was in rare form. The teacher walks in and it is not the regular (Jen, love her!) it was the Australian. What is this "work outs from around the world" tonight. I was distracted by her microphone pack belt that was bedazzled with the word "Shbam" and riding low enough to be right across her crotch. So I was already thinking of some snarky remarks and vajazzle (google it) jokes. She proceeds to pull out two little buckets filled with Chocolate Easter Candy (egg shaped of course) and four boxes of Peeps. She tells us they don't have peeps in Australia so she is excited to try them and if we work hard in class we can have some. She sets them below the podium directly in front of me. WTH? Are you kidding? Who brings candy to a gym work out class? This really ticks me off. That is like bringing a bottle of Jack Daniels to an AA meeting. Wrong on so many levels.
As we danced and sweat for 45 minutes the candy and the peeps were mocking me. All I could do was stare at it. I can even tell you that there were 40 peeps (my age) 30 pink and 10 purple. I told you it was very distracting. I counted the peeps and wondered how many of the damn things I could shove in the instructors "belt". I bitched and moaned about it the entire class to my "peeps" between tracks. I am sure I was very annoying. No joke, at the end of the class while the five of us collected our water bottles and our jackets, at least a dozen women headed for that pile of candy. I have an "angry dollar" for you gals.

The Sixth Sense

We had a fabulous Dance Team Weekend. Even though it has been only about 52 hours since the whole thing started, it felt like an entire week! For those that don't know what I am talking about a Convention is a Dance Team Competition combined with Dance Classes and Shows put on by professional dancers. The Girls (and some boys) get to dance with people from the shows So You Think You Can Dance and famous dancer/choreographers. The guest teacher this weekend was the guy that is playing the lead in the new Footloose remake. (he was yummy) These things are super fun but super exhausting for everyone. This one took place at the Seattle Westin. We commuted from home but sometimes we stay in the hotel. Being Budget aware was why we commuted but I am starting to think it is the better route. I heard it took 15-30 minutes to get up and down elevators this weekend, ran out of hot water in the hotel,$49 overnight parking and lots of noisy girls and sirens kept parents awake. So I am glad to have saved the 400-500 bucks and slept soundly at home!

To give you an idea of how exhausting these things are, Hayley started after school on Friday at 3:15 with a Tap rehearsal, then hair and make up. Down to Seattle. Three costume changes, compete, and awards done at about 10:00 p.m. There was one trip to the lobby bar around 5:00ish. Then we left the house Saturday at 6:45 am and got home at 10:30 p.m. The competition actually didn't get done until an hour late at 12:30 am. I guess a dancer got kicked in the nose and bled all over the stage. Who said dance wasn't a sport?

But we were excused from the awards because I had a little episode during the evening. I had the Spins and Dizzy thing going on, Almost passed out in the back of the audience. How humiliating that would have been. Of course this caused me much anxiety because that is how I felt prior to my pacemaker surgery and when it happen then my heart stopped. I was totally stressed and self conscious about making a scene. I am so tired of not being normal. But this was another example of how tight dance families are. My mommy friends took great care of me, when I admitted to a few trusted moms that I was having a problem, they totally rallied. Mary had me lay down in her room after a trip to the blood pressure machine at Bartells. She took care of my daughter while I moved my van due to downtown parking limits and made a trip to the pharmacy. This was a huge relief. That way I could talk on the phone to my husband in the car and cry and pitch a fit about not feeling well without any witnesses except for the homeless crackhead that kept tapping on my car window. When I screamed "leave me alone", Scott almost hung up on me.

We shared carpool duties so today I slept in and felt much better. I was determined to show up for the parent class at 1:15. Hayley started up at 8:30 this morning, getting home after 6:00. I still was not feeling 100% but I have been referred to as "sickly" and it hurts. I am determined for my kids to not see me this way or be fearful that mommy is not strong enough. I know the previous evening worried my daughter, this was my way to show her I was just fine. The pain was worth that. The parent class is an opportunity for us moms and dads to show that the dancing talent of our children in most of our cases is clearly not genetic. At some of these things they actually have us learn a routine and dance it on stage in front of the teams and other parents at the closing show. I have fond memories of dancing to Beyonce's Single Ladies a couple of years back. I live to embarrass my daughter, just another service I provide. This year was Disco Inferno and out of all the hundreds of parents there were only about a dozen of us with the balls to show up and 7 were from our team. It was during the girl's lunch break so many of them were able to come in and watch us learn and perform. My daughter was a conflicted combination of horrified and proud. I know there are photos and videos floating around, oh no. But to my disappointment it was not performed in the closing show. Sorry folks the live webcast was a no go.

During the closing show, it is packed with parents and dancers. Probably a thousand people? The professionals put on a show that is worthy of any theatre on Broadway. They showcase the best dances from each studio. They also honor dancers with "scholarships" or awards for their performances in class and auditions. We have been attending these events for 6 seasons now. Never has Hayley won one. She is what you might call a "backrow Joe". She is a great little dancer but she is never the one that grabs the attention. That and her height generally puts her in the back. Our attitude has always been that it is a privilege and honor to even make the team so already you are special and you are clearly talented. She never complains. This past year I could see she really was envious of the girls singled out at conventions. One of her coaches noticed she has really been putting in extra effort this past month. She also has had to really work hard at Tap. She was told she needed to do some catch up and dance extra hours to maintain her spot on her team. She has. So it made it even more special when she was singled out during Tap Class by a very famous and amazing Tapper for recognition. When her name was called for a scholarship and she went on stage to accept it, I was so excited for her. It made all the hours of sacrifice worth it.

It was also during this closing show that I yet again (see spring break drug bust story) got to use my sixth sense, aka mommy sense. I am certain that when I am with either of my children I have a heightened awareness that I don't have when I am alone. Case in point, injuries that I have had at my own hand seem to happen when my kids are not around. I think my mind takes a break and allows the stupidity factor to come into effect. There must be some scientific way to prove this theory. I am certain that I can remember someones name way better when I am in Mommy Mode than when I am out with my girlfriends. Now alcohol may have something to do with this but who knows.

I am always on edge at these events. They are in public, generally free of charge and you are surrounded by hundreds of strangers. Add to that hundreds of girls from ages 7-18 in various states of undress in dressing rooms and in costumes ranging from chicken suits to something you might see on a stripper pole (not at our studio thankfully). I hate to admit it out loud, but seriously it is a pedophiles dream. It would be like someone giving me a key to the Top Pot donut shop after hours and saying help yourself and btw they are all calorie free. In the past I have been aware of security escorting photo takers or other creeps out. But it is not like they are checking a special id on all the adults that says "I am a parent of a dancer and have a right to be here". I have let Hayley become more independent at these events but today that trend took a hit.

I have a false sense of security at the Westin because the event takes place on the 4th floor away from easy access to the big bad world outside. Like a few rides on an escalator would stop a person. Prior to the closing show starting tonight I was trying to find a seat in the packed room. I had gotten a chair on the side but the standing folks were going to block my few. I noticed a friend sitting nearby. Next to her was a guy that set my mommy sense off. Initially I batted away the feeling and chastised myself for being such a judgemental bitch. The phrase don't judge a book by its cover came to mind. Didn't I just lecture my daughter on that recently. Didn't I tell her not to be upset about not being recognized because it is the flashy ones that get noticed not the steady eddies? But that she shouldn't judge those girls. Just cause they look and dress like little attention whores doesn't mean they don't have substance and talent. So here I was thinking I don't like the look of that guy cause he is dressed all in gray, jacket, sweater, jeans wearing a flannel baseball hat pulled low. He was white, very tall and heavy. He had a kind of dorky white guy buzz cut and may have been missing a couple of teeth. Talk about profiling, TSA has nothing on me. He had a McDonalds soda and really seemed to be interested in watching everyone around him. But this was only one person in a crowd, why was he bothering me. Maybe because he was sitting next to my friend, maybe cause he didn't smile. He left the room at one point and left his jacket on the back of his chair. I promptly moved his end of the row chair over one and put my chair in its place. This way I didn't have to stand on my chair to see the show, remember mommy danced disco a couple of hours before. I figured he wouldn't notice cause he didn't look very smart. (oops, see, book, cover etc.)

I asked Renee if she knew him, she said no. I was relieved because I was hoping it was not her new boyfriend. He came back and we watched him go up and down the rows "looking for his chair and Soda". Hmmm, it was not hiding, it was obvious where it was. But he seem to be looking at the kids up front on the floor, the girls in costumes getting ready to perform. We waved and pointed to his chair, he sat. My mommy sense was buzzing. About 15 minutes into the show a group of girls age 7-10 came on stage in what can only be described as little slut costumes. Complete with bare midriff, knee high socks and pigtail dancing to a Lady Gaga song. At this point he seemed really alert. Before I made any snarky remarks to Renee about the costumes I decided to turn to him and confront him in my best polite manner. Best polite means bitchy with a smile.

"Excuse me, what studio does your daughter dance for?"

He had an oh shit expression on his face yet also took on defiant body language. "I don't have a daughter"
Ok, I turn my attention back to the stage. Okay, What would the bionic woman do? Ignore him? Hell no.

"excuse me, sorry, are you here to support a family member?"

"No, I am meeting someone"

Back to watching the little sluts I mean dancers on stage. Who the hell meets up with someone at a dance convention on the fourth floor of a hotel? "Hey want to meet at Denny's?" "No, meet me at the Jump dance tour closing show at 3:15 on the fourth floor of the Westin" I turned to Renee and told her what he said. She said maybe he is meeting a teacher or staff of the show. We both raised our eyebrows at each other and I was thinking "Renee way to try to be positive but does he look like someone these handsome and mostly very gay dancers are going to meet up with?"

Oh f*(( it, I have wanted to verbally kick someones butt all week.

"again excuse me sir, but which studio does that person work for or dance with?"

He starts to fidget and lean towards me.

In for a penny, in for a pound. "Cause this show is for family only so if you don't personally know someone here that you can introduce me too, you are going to want to leave right now"

He casually stood and grabbed his coat and started to walk towards the back. Again, penny and a pound, no way am I letting him go back out in the lobby where the dressing room is with the door opening and shutting constantly giving him glimpses of all these girls which at this point are now my honorary daughters. I marched after him. When I got outside the doors I started loudly asking for security which made him pick up his step. I could not find one person that looked like security so I grabbed the guy behind the counter selling sweatshirts. He happen to be the dancer that taught my parent class. I half expected I would have to take care of this myself. Again, don't judge the book. Cause this smallish (and hot) man that obviously didn't play for my team, turned into one fierce man when I told him about this guy and my suspicions. I pointed him out over by the dressing room doors. At this point the perv headed for the escalator. The fierce Gay who I now thought of as my own personal body guard, said "well it looks like he is leaving".

I said "Uh I want him out of this building completely, but I also don't want to miss the show" Hey I have some priorities and I pay a lot of money for these things. Maybe I scared him or he wanted to kick someones butt too, but he followed him. My daughter says I can be a little scary when I want something done. I like to call that look and demeanor "motivating" not scary. I didn't see Super Gay again but I assume he handled it.

When I headed back in I saw at the entrance a Dance Dad from our old team that is also my facebook friend. He also happens to be a pro body builder and a parole officer. Very convenient! So I gave him a detailed description and he said the guy would not make it past the door. I also told another Dance Dad near the back of the room who is a member of our fine military. I figured between those two Dads the man was not going to be a man anymore if he came back. Plus I am pretty sure Super Gay could pulverize him with just a look! I was then able to sit back down and enjoy the show.

Before doing this I very calmly said to a mom standing nearby who was trying not to look exhausted "excuse me you can have this chair. The man sitting there was a pervert and won't be needing it anymore because I chased him away". She didn't even question me she just said an extra warm Thank You and sat down to cheer on her daughter.

Yeah, that's the way I roll.

Dance Dance Dance

Have you watched Toddlers and Tiaras? Well, it is not quite as extreme as that but Competitive Dance can be some of the best people watching ever. As I type I am sitting in the hotel lobby at the Westin in Downtown Seattle. Angel and I have been having a great time enjoying our own company and periodically other dance mommies company. We were here from 6:00 pm until 10:00 pm last night and back in Seattle at 7:15 this morning. We knew it would be a good dance weekend when it started with a trip to the lobby bar within 5 minutes of dropping the girls off in the dressing rooms. We had a blast watching and critiquing all the other studios in the competition last night. Simon Cowel has nothing on us. I snort laughed so many times I thought there was a farm animal in our aisle. You can't help it when you or your friend say something like "those pants are an unfortunate choice for a costume" or "that poor boy is going to get his ass kicked in high school"
We are tired. Now the trip to Top Pot Donuts where I proceeded to pull out a thermos of Baileys and offer to spike every ones coffee, well that may have something to do with the strong need to nap right now. Basically our role here is to serve our daughters. Like the hired help. Not only do we get to pay large amounts of money for the privilege of being on a team, we get to sit for hours watching dance after dance, bring them lunch and snacks, put on make up, eyelashes and do their hair. See why I live to embarrass her? It is pay back for the dance mommy servitude.
After doing this for six years now, I have to say this is the most relaxed year ever for me. Even with all of the other stress in my life, dance has been a nice enjoyable anchor. Part of it is the people. Angel and I were commenting on how some mommies show up at 7 am, fully decked out. Designer clothes, full make up and hair and jewelry. Really? It was all I could do to shower this morning and get my medical id bracelet on. I am sorry but if I am going to run around and also sit for hours I am going for comfort; no heels, tennis shoes, yoga pants, tshirt, sweatshirt, pony tail. Wait that is pretty much me every day. Angel and I were making fun of ourselves and our matching outfits. She said it was worse in Texas where they used to live. The women would dress to the nines at football games and then say passive aggressive things like "Angel, you are so silly" "look at your simple clothes" "You are so confident to dress like that" We have also heard: "You just don't care what people think, that is so great" People say Northwesterners are so polite, wrong!
Let me translate what they are really saying "I am so glad you dress like a slob, it makes me look good" or "I wish I could wear comfortable clothes too but my self esteem is way too low"
Love it! I told her I want to go get this tshirt made next door at the mall that says "I would love to chat, but you are a total bitch". That should be what I wear sitting in the lobby!
Bottom Line, the girls are having an amazing time dancing with pros from the shows "so you think you can dance" and the new lead in the remake of movie "footloose".
So while those mommies spend their day shopping at Nordstroms trying to find the perfect outfit, walking around Seattle in their high heeled uncomfortable boots; Angel and I will walk to Top Pot Donuts for the second time with our draw string pants and sneakers. Who do you really think will have more fun?

The Adventures of Dawn

Seriously I swear I don't make any of this up, this is the stuff that actually happens in my life. So I was sound asleep in the guest bedroom, referred to in our house as "the blue room" or "mom's cave". I have this lovely red Pottery Barn Day Bed under the window. Lots of pillows, an ipod player and my pile of books on the nightstand right next to my bottle of Ambien. I stayed up too late again last night chatting with Tamese, searching the internet, blogging, playing lexulous and registering my Heart Walk Team. I am highly productive at night! Wish that Ambien would just knock me out! I finally fell asleep about 1:00. I had warm pajamas, lots of blankets and cracked the window to enjoy the fresh crisp snowy air. All of a sudden I heard the scraping of metal and was fully awake (which if you have ever witnessed a morning with me, that is quite a feat, I don't wake quickly) The dog was on red alert too. My cell phone said it was 5:00 am. I kneeled under the window and looked out. I expected to see the black bear that had recently been photographed at a neighbors. I thought maybe he might be trying to open the door of my minivan and get all the leftover crap the kids leave all over the darn van. We had received City Alerts lately about a rash of car prowls and Garage thefts. Our area has a habit of leaving their doors open. What I saw was a Medium sized, yellow, Penske, Moving Truck Parked in front of the neighbors dark house across the culdesac. It blocked my view of their porch and garage doors. I could hear what sounded like stolen goods being loaded into the back of the van. I then spotted a person with a headlamp, it appeared they were coming from the side of the neighbor's house. I know the kids at that house go to private school maybe they are away on Spring Break. Yes, I grabbed my cell phone and called 911.

"911, What is your emergency?"

"I think my neighbors house is being robbed by a moving van. Well, I mean a guy driving a moving van"

"What are they doing" "I can't tell, the neighbors might be out of town, but why would a moving van be at their house at 5 in the morning"

"We have three officers on their way" ( I love that the City of Sammamish has such low crime that I get the entire force to respond )

" Oh, no, hurry, they heard me talking and now they are running to the truck and have started the engine. They are leaving"

"mam, which way are they heading"

I run to the master bedroom on the back of the house. "Scott wake the hell up, the neighbors house just got robbed" "The Truck is heading down Main towards the traffic circle and they are driving really fast, tell them to hurry!" "Do you want my husband to follow them?"

"NO! Do not follow them" "Ok, we got the truck stopped, an officer will be contacting you shortly"

"Ok, let me call the neighbor and see if they are home"

"Patty? Are you home?" (duh I just called her) "I think you just got robbed, get up. There was a Penske moving truck loading at your house, I called the police."

"Uh, well I did order predawn Amazon Fresh Delivery"

Uh Oh..."Would they deliver it in a moving truck"

Call Waiting.... "This is the police, we have the vehicle, they say they were delivering something"

"Yes the neighbor said they were having Amazon Fresh Delivered and I have walked outside and it is on their porch"
"Yes, this is the neighbor's phone number to confirm "

"My Name?"

No, it is not Gladys Kravitz.

My Go Red, Dress collage

Spring Break...

Of course my kids complained all week about how boring Spring Break was and how so and so was in Hawaii, and so and so was in California. Well hey kids, we did fun stuff too, HELLO. Budget conscious much,children? Mommy needs a new job. But aren't you happy I am home for you?
Older child: "No, I want you back to work so we are not poor, I can dance and I want another pair of vans" Younger child, he won't fail me" "Yeah mom, I want some more ds games, so maybe you should get a new job" Nice, I have made such an impression on my children, so I was going to give them some fun things to talk about for their Spring Break. See "this is how we roll" for our day in Seattle. For gosh sakes we broke up a drug deal? Hmm, did the Smiths do that in Maui?
Then we went swimming with the Spencers at the Gym Pool. I sat and read a book and pretended I had a fruity drink. See kids just like the pool in Vegas.
Then we had movie day at the nice theater, Lincoln and Saw "Hop". As an easter themed movie I brought all the kids goodie bags full of easter candy heaven. When Hayley and I walked in and I saw Karen waving, I waved back and said loudly for all to hear "We are here now the movie can start" My daughter actually kicked me. Oh bring it on. So when a hip dance song came on, Karen and I were dancing erratically with lots of arms in our seats while all the girls tried to pretend not to know us. But they would not go that far since I had the candy. But about halfway into that movie we had to find things to entertain ourselves. Cause clearly we were not getting that 90 minutes of our lives back. I am so having tshirts made for me and Karen that say "embarrassing my children: Just another service I provide" Plus I was giddy for it to be done since I was going to be dropping Hayley with Scott and heading to Hood Canal for my spring break of solitude, books, some collage crafts and Glee marathon.
I was disappointed in most of the Second Season Glee episodes. The Jumping the Shark phrase came to mind. But I did get to collage which is me making use of all the catalogs I get that my spouse bitches about. I rip them up, glue them in a design and paint modge podge on them. I love it! It is my version of knitting. Photo attached is of the Go Red logo. I made this one to inspire me to interview well for that job! Cross your fingers for me!

Need to start moving again....

So my exercise train has slowed down. I am getting in a few classes of bodypump and shbam a week. But it is not enough. The fatigue and the stress of waiting to hear if I can get a job at my dream location is weighing on me. But I am glad that Kristen got me to go Shbam tonight. I almost didn't due to a bad ride with the red curry train at lunch with Tamese. But Kristen and I were there.
It was a large and ecletic group of "flygirl wannabes". Women of all sizes, ages and dancing ability! The thing I noticed today, from my position with K in the back row, besides the flashing butt cracks on those that need to go up a size in their work out pants, was that it seems that there were an abnormal number of shoulder blade tattoos going on. Is this the new trend? Seemed it was the tramp stamp or the lower back butt crack ones for a while. Are those out of vogue now? Age didn't seem to be an issue on the ones I saw today. With my high school drill team training I can follow along pretty accurately and my arms are sharp. Plus if there is any marching in a routine I am all over that.
But I look around and just am amazed at the amount of people in the room that can not even hear the beat or coordinate their left from their right. It does not seem to be an age affliction. Some of the worst ones are the young sorority girl types. Maybe they are too hung over, who knows. But I am telling you it is so good for my ego, Kristen and I actually look decent. We stay on track and we are moving and sweating that is all we can ask for. And when we have to do the "shake em" moves, you know what "em" is. Us chesty, breast fed more than one child, women, we can shake it for sure. We might give ourselves whiplash but we go all out. Today we decided before next week we need to find out what bra Karen uses cause she is well endowed and those babies are so well strapped down they don't move.
The instructor Jen is our favorite. She is fun, she is enthusiastic and she makes me want to perform for her. Except today I was still recovering from my tummy issues so I spent more time being distracted by the other dancers. I was snarky mom tonight. Jen kept catching me smiling and laughing and was like "yes that is what I want to see, smiles and enjoyment of the movement" Uh, no, Jen, sorry I was laughing at that chick in the front that is acting like the white half sister of Beyonce that they keep hidden in the basement. Gasp! Bad DAWN, I know! Sorry.
We ended the class with a Flashdance song, shoot me now, was what I was thinking. And I do not do a conga line ever, so Jen next time you try that fun trick with 40 sweaty people leave me out of it or it's gonna get ugly. At least I like having Kristen there, I know if I pass out she is strong enough to take control and know what to do. Plus she would have my back in an anti-conga line battle.
Okay, I will admit it, it is time to go back to Hot Yoga. It will be like starting over so I better review the start of this blog and "what I learned about hot yoga" before I go again. My hip is not healing with the rest and ice and etc, so I might as well go back to what seem to be working. At least it was so difficult and made me so delusional that I won't notice I am still fat.

Play Ball!

It is that time of year, Baseball Season has started. It is the time of year when my husband gets sad about our daughter. She still chooses to compete in Dance and not Softball/Baseball. Poor guy, he had such high hopes, she played boys baseball for a few years until dance took over. She is good with no practice. I think he imagines a UW scholarship down the road and the College world series. But no it is not to be at this point. He has to settle for our 8 soon to be 9 year old son playing AA coach pitch for another year.
Here is Henry the first practice "Baseball? I didn't sign up for Baseball, who said I wanted to do that, I want to play Basketball"
Me "Henry you play every year, Daddy and I really like watching you."
Henry " I want to play basketball"
Me "that season just ended, you will play again when it starts back up, now you play baseball"
Henry "I am not playing baseball"
Me "yes you are"
Henry "no I am not, you can wear my cup and play"
Me "very funny young man" (of course I am thinking mommy's balls are too big for that cup), "but we are going to practice at 4:30"
We got to practice and he had a great time with his new team. The deciding factor seem to be that his team is the "Mariners" this year. Scott is only hoping that he pays attention this year, doesn't pick grass in outfield or get beaned at first base cause he is chatting up the runner on base.
So I went shopping at Sport Authority to get him new gray baseball pants since last years are white and look like knickers and he could be waiting for a flood. Also, he needs a new cup since the puppy chewed up the one from last year. They are required to wear them which I never understood because really what's to protect at this age. But then I saw a kid take a ball off the cup and that sucker ricochet pretty hard. So there I am at Sports Authority looking like a lurker or perv. I was holding up pants and seeing if there were any kids in the store about his size to see if I was getting the right size. Then I found the hidden rack of cupville. Holy Crap, this is what Dad's are for damnit. There is an entire wall of these things. Come on I don't even know which way is up on the thing. Plus they are different colors and have gel sides in some of them, boxers, briefs, wth is a slider short. This should have been a Dad job and I immediately decided that their Dad would be the one to go buy Hayley her first box of tampons when needed.
So I fingered the many packages and was lurking about when a handsome man about my age walked by. I startled him by accosting him. I nudged him towards what I am now calling the wall of doom.
I said "Please help me out here since you have the parts and I don't, but which size would I buy for my 8 year old"
Him "Well my 8 year old is big so I would get this one" (bright blue) flustered he says "I mean he is a big kid."
I say before I can help myself "Isn't that what all the Dad's say?" "Okay, mine is a tall skinny thing of about 55 pounds and I don't want to question his or my spouses manhood by buying the one for 5-6 year olds called PeeWee cup; so do you think I could get away with the neon green one for 8-9 year olds? Can you pad them like a training bra to make it more comfortable? Do you go by like crotch/hip size or the volume of the junk you put in the cup?"
At this point he was slowly edging away from me...looking for a sales person to save him from the crazy lady.
"Thanks for your help I think I will go with the green one, my son likes green"
He quickly switched aisles. I can't wait to see if he is a dad on our team or if we play his team.

Okay, Tuesday was so exciting and drama filled I had to break it into two posts. I have made entries about "you know you are fat when..." This week the opposite has happen. Twice in one day I was told I needed to be fatter. First, by a friend that said I had the perfect personality for The Biggest Loser show if only I was a little fatter. Huh? Is that good? What personality is that? One that would make for good TV? Isn't that the annoying, outgoing, loud, low filter, won't take any crap, like to scheme person.....oh I get it. Okay. Kind of like my friend Tamese that won't let it go until I officially try out for Big Brother. The thing about that one is it seems that a lotta naughty stuff goes on there. I may be snarky and talk a big game but getting caught on camera doing the nasty of some sort with a 25 year old, yikes, so not good for the career or marriage. I would be the one walking into the room yelling "really people this is not an audition for porn, you do know this is called "Big Brother" which means there are cameras every where. Do you really think America is so dumb that making a tent on the bed with the blankets and when it looks like the blankets have what looks like a one sided teeter totter under it, do you really think they don't know someone is getting shagged?" And that we are all yelling "sluts" at our tvs. So no I won't try out for that one. The biggest loser maybe, except I need to be a little more obese and I am not sure I could tolerate Jillian for five minutes. Now Survivor I could do if it was not for the not eating, the bugs and the no showers. So back to the second "compliment" that I am not fat enough. I attended a seminar on weight loss surgery Tuesday night. First of all I went to the wrong Swedish in Issaquah, where I found a gal my age and her mother and an aunt also looking for the meeting. Once we figured out it was across town I told them I would lead them over there. Except they moved kind of slow and that annoyed me. I don't think they were that excited about the meeting. Finally got there and it was similar to my cardiology appointments. At my pacemaker checks I always feel so youthful in the waiting room because I am usually sitting there with 4 or 5 folks over the age of 70. And if I bring my cute little 8 year old son, watch out, I am like a rock start amongst those folks! So at this meeting of about 10 of us I was by far the thinnest. I was super nervous to walk in late when I saw the attendees thru the window, I thought they might stone me out of the room or eat me. The doctor was dynamic and certainly talented, well respected and knowledgeable. He was detailed and I liked the way he ran his program. It made sense and seemed the prudent way to assure the best results for his patients. Clearly I was only interested in the least evasive procedure, the lap band. I have been trying and trying to lose the weight I gained this past two years. It is now a medical emergency, I have to get my blood pressure down and other health annoyance would be cured by dropping the pounds. The lap band unlike gastric bypass does not do the work for you, you still have to diet heavily and exercise but it gives you that extra tool to control your hunger. Plus I learned at a certain bmi with my health history I now qualify for the insurance to pay for it. About half way thru the meeting there were some side conversations going on and I was talking to the man next to me in the back row. He looked exactly like Santa, beard and all. He actually seemed to have been researching this and brought up some points I had not thought of and I was able to ask the doctor what I thought were important questions. One of the pack I led over keeps turning to me and she says "can you please stop talking and asking questions because you shouldn't even be here!" I looked at Santa, shrugged, said "no I won't stop talking", in my head I said "bitch, really, you must be hungry to be that cranky, and hey another person thinks I am not fat enough, yeah me!" After the formal meeting I approached the doctor who was talking to Ms. Old Cranky Pant's Daughter. He made a comment to her about that she seemed a good candidate for the surgery and would have good results. Hee hee, he had missed the part during the meeting where she shared that she was currently banded, as in she had already had the surgery elsewhere. She was there to support her mom. Funny, the doctor is saying she would totally be a good candidate and she had already had the surgery a year ago...oops. When I talked to him it became clear that my BMI has to be at least 35 for the insurance to pay and if it is under 40 you have to have certain medical conditions. I have those conditions covered. It also means you jump thru a bunch of hoops for 3 months with monitored nutrition counseling, exercise training, etc. Hello if I had those tools I would probably lose enough to put me below 30 bmi then I wouldn't qualify but I would still be above my optimum while fighting not to gain back with all the medicines I deal with etc. So sounds like a fiscious cycle to me. Plus if I put what height my license says and my weight I fall closer to 32. If shrink a little since I have always been on the shorter side of 5'8 and wear heavy clothes, shoes and maybe hold my purse (he also suggested not peeing that day), when I weighed in we can maybe get me to like a 34.7. Which means I would not be able to lose a single pound during that three month wait period which seems so against everything I am trying to do. So yet again too fat and not fat enough. I can't win! The meeting was fascinating and educational. I of course could not help looking around at these severely obese people and feeling thankful I was not there (yet). But I was really tired by 9:00 from my earlier Cagney and Lacey reenactment with Wendy and I was having a hard time keeping my snarky self in check. Cause when the 300 pound plus woman started asking what specifically the rules were for after surgery I had a really hard time not yelling "uh duh, less food, more exercise. or you will puke" Hello, did you not take an anatomy class in High School, look at the picture if your bowel is now in smaller three pieces and the food can only go to track one and intestine A is now only so short, gee what do you think will happen if you over eat? Then when we were told that we would be on a 3 week liquid only diet after the surgery (that pretty much rules me out cause if I didn't get to chew something for 3 weeks I am pretty certain I will commit a crime of some kind). One lady asked if alcohol, red wine of course, would count towards the liquid diet. Again, where did that snort laugh come from in the back row? Santa? nope, that was me.