Life as usual has been kicking team Dawn's butt for the past year. Much of which I can not blog about due to potential legal reasons as in the people I want to talk about might sue me.
Plus I have been so stressed out that I have just not had the energy to write. What I realized at 2:00 am today that writing gives me energy. Also, this past month has been chalk full of so much great blog material that I just can't resist. They will be in no particular order and names will be changed to protect the innocent.
Imagine a week or so ago getting an invite to a Facebook Event "Jenny's Milestone Birthday Celebration" That would be Jenny and the milestone is 40.
Okay, I am all for those kind of events, I feel like I am still celebrating mine 8 months later. Let's open it what is the plan....hmmm, Tuesday night, yikes that is junior high curriculum night....hmmmm she is 8th grade and goes to High School next year do I really care and I can convince Scott to take one for the parental team and go alone. We may be separated but get along better than most married people. Wonder what the plan is, Jenny's fun....Dancing, drinks, food, ladies bowling?
Try to follow my thought process here....
Here is the message from the planner, Lori.
Well, the short version would be that Jenny has a "Milestone" birthday coming up next Tuesday and we thought we'd take a field trip to the Olympus Spa in Lynnwood to celebrate! For $35 you can purchase a day pass and hang out at their awesome pools, steam room, sauna, and cold pool! And you can add services onto your day pass like a massage if you want to live it up!
It's like Henry Moses Pool but for mommies!
Even though this is set up as a private event, feel free to ask other to join and I did not mean to intentionally leave anyone out, but I'm not sure if I'm FB friends with everyone so I just did a few of you on this first round! :-)
Wow she has my interest now. Field trip. Spa. Celebrate. Like my favorite water park but no kids. Uh oh. Red Flags.... Spa. Lynwood. Cold Pool. Field trip.
Let's check out what kind of spa sells day use pass, and is Lynnwood.
http://www.olympusspa.net/lynnwood/index.aspx
Pretty. "Welcome to a Unique Women only day spa.
Olympus invites you to experience a new spa culture, which will bring you full of pleasant surprises. "
I don't like surprises. Let's click on Things to Know.
Things to Know:
1. Please make reservations for the services. Okay this seems reasonable, they can't guess we are on our way right?
2. Please arrive one hour prior to services. Okay, again extra time at a spa, no argument here.
3. Women experiencing their period will not be allowed to enter the pools. Say what? Um have they not seen the tampon commercials where women are encouraged to swim and frolic on the beach?
4. Please don't wear swim suits or any footwear. Excuse me? WTF? If I don't wear a swimsuit what do I wear while enjoying the various pools, steam rooms, etc. Um Lori, you online?
5. Customers who have consumed alcohol will not be allowed to enter. Little uncertain here, see number 4.
6. Bring a plastic water bottle. What? they are too cheap of a spa to give us a cup of water? Oh wait it's Lynnwood.
7. If possible do not shave at least 24 hours prior to Body Scrub, Body Moisturizing, and any facial services. Okay red flags, I see no swimsuit and no shaving that equals.....
8. Before bodyscurb service, an hour of soaking (preparation) time is required. WTH? You have to presoak for what reason? How many layers are they planning to scrub off. And what is a "bodyscurb" poor web page master or a Korean scrub of some sort?
9. Gratuity not included in the service price. Duh, see "spa" in the place's title.
Click, Click, Lori you online?
Lori - Please say you can go
Dawn - Lori, looked at the website, what's with the no swimsuit part?
Lori - I don't know
Dawn - Um I think you do
Lori - I think you go naked in the water areas
Dawn - WTF? Are you kidding?
Lori - I am not 100% sure you can bring your swim suit just in case.
Dawn - It says no suits and no periods, that screams naked to me. I don't want to be naked
Lori - It is for Jenny's birthday, she is our hippie friend.
Dawn - yes but the two of you do hot yoga every day and are skinny. I do not and am not. I don't think my self esteem can do it.
I proceed to change my "maybe" rsvp to a polite "hell no" with a comment that "I love you ladies but I do not want to be naked with you."
The night before the event Lori is texting me, please come it is just Jenny and I. Three makes it a birthday party. You had a stressful weekend and you river rafted (another entry to come), it will be good for your muscles and stress. We can make it a man hater night for you!
Bring your swimsuit I am sure the naked part is not mandatory.
Oh Lori, you had me at Three makes it a party. Fine I am in, I better not regret this.
I am getting her the movie Bridesmaids for her gift because this seems like a potential scene from that movie.
Lori picks us up at the dance studio at 5:30 and drives us to Lynnwood in her fancy expensive car. Hmmm, maybe not a good idea in Lynnwood, but an excellent way to have me trapped and unable to leave without her permission.
We find it, it is in a side strip mall area where a Chuck E Cheese is the main attraction and the building looks like it may have been a skating rink at one time. UH OH HO. Red Flags. Dawn has her snarky hat on but I am trying to be good for Jenny's birthday. They are already worried about me and the heat rooms and the pacemakers, they need to not sense my naked discomfort issues. I am not here to ruin her Birthday Party.
We walk in and two Korean gals greet us. Well no, not exactly greet us. Let's say acknowledge us without a smile and say "who are you" and "how you pay". where is my red flag.
You fill out this form. I just sign it, now Lori normally somewhat reserved says not using her inside voice, Dawn you may have trouble with number 7 on this form. hmmm...
#7 No public displays or private liaisons between guests will be tolerated. You will be asked to leave.
Hold your panties, what? Wait this is an all women's club. OHHHHH I get it, no lesbo action allowed. Gee Thanks Lori, that certainly did not get the two desk jockeys to up their service levels at all.
They aslo hand us a towel and a robe that no joke is the kind issued in hospitals or when you have your mammogram, Jenny is 40 so maybe that was the surprise. And a what? You want me to wear this cloth cap over my hair at all times, lovely. I am having flashbacks of preparing for my many surgeries.
She starts our tour by having us leave our shoes at the door. OOOkkkaayy, where are the flip flops, spa slippers, disposable pedi sandals? Nope, barefoot, really, everywhere, yuck.
She proceeds to show us the different rooms we can us with our robes on or off.
I am going to cut and paste from the website to do these descriptions justice. As we pass thru the waiting area in the center of the spa I see the windows to the pool area and proceed to go take a peek. F%$k, yep that is a whole lotta naked. Lots of Naked women with cloth caps on their heads. Crap I paid I am committed. Think Jenny, Jenny would do anything for you Dawn. Suck it up and get naked for her, it will be the most unusual thing you do for a friend's birthday.
We all went into the dressing room, there was some nervous laughter, about the three of us getting naked, well except for Jenny, she is the real deal hippy friend, toured with the Grateful Dead for over 100 shows. Communal bathing in hot springs was a regular occurrence. Plus she is a massage therapist, a duhla and midwife. Naked is not problem for her.
First problem was they gave me a small robe so it wouldn't even close, I had to trade it for the plus size one they gave skinny Jenny. I knew those two at the front desks were bitchy.
Mud and Jade Room
Description:
Dry Mud and Crystals such as Jade, Rose quarts, Aventurine, Aquamarine, Germanium emit Far-Infrared Rays (known as Earth Energy) to promote blood circulations and release the toxins that are locked within the body. It is about 170'F.
Uh, not going in there with a pacemaker, but it says 5 minute limit so I will stand out here and if you two are not out in 5 minutes I will drag your limp bodies out.
Hmm, they have crystals and stones in the walls, and this is suppose to help release toxins. Uh oh, snarky go away. What a load of crap. Knock Knock, ladies it has been 6 minutes don't make me drag you. So Lori, did you feel the jade and quartz (or quarts as the webmaster with issues with english says) Lori, was that an eye roll I just saw. Jenny? Oh yeah I could feel it the air felt more dense. Jenny really? did you smoke something? That was probably the cells in your lungs burning up at 170 degrees. I like that room over there, it's blue and has a cheesy picture of a penguin on it but it is 60 degrees. If you lose me I will be in there.
Sand Room
Description:
This room has sea sand underneath a layer of canvas. . It is about 150'F. Sand and variety of crystals on the wall provide complete fomentation that relieve arthritis, irregular menstral cycles, severe cramping, and light headedness
oooh, this will be like the beach. Let's go in. It will be like the beach. and I hate menstrual cramps or (menstral if you are the webmaster isn't that some musical theater term). Damn there are two other woman in there. oooo, ocean sounds, maybe I can relax in here. cozy into the floor. um Jenny they keep repeating the same 20 seconds of ocean it sounds like a toilet flushing no the ocean. "Dawn this is the best so far, shhh" Oh man, this room makes me have to pee.
Salt Room
Description:
This room has sea salt underneath a layer of canvas and Calcite crystals on the wall. It is designed to alleviate a range of respiratory and skin conditions, including asthma and psoriasis, and to reduce the effects of stress.
ooooh, the salt room. I like this, feels like you are walking on bean bag material. Dang those others here again. I am going to try laying on my stomach cause I can cozy into this warm floor like a big heating bad. And we know I need to reduce the effects of stress. And who knows what Calcite Crystals on the walls can do to me. Maybe I will have an out of body experience. Nope never mind had cardiac arrest once, I take that back. Okay every time I move it sounds like when you move in one of those vinyl 70s bean bag chair which makes me giggle. which makes Lori giggle. Um Hey Jenny how dense is the air in here? tee hee hee. Will I be less bitchy when I leave this room. Hey Lori, I am hungry. Okay clearly I can't meditate or be quiet. The two non party group leaves us alone. Which just makes me giggle more.
Charcoal Room
Description:
Activated charcoals on the walls and elvan stones on the floor create negative irons and Far-Infrared Rays that are best to neutralize free radicals in the body and strengthen immune systems. This room is also good for heavy metal detoxification.
hmmm.. Heavy metal detoxification? Do I need this? I really never had any Black Sabbath or Kiss obsessions. I kind of had a thing for the lead singer of White Snake and that was only because a friend told me her sister did him. Ok, Lori says sit up against the hot wall. so that we can neutralize free radicals and get rid of negative ions. I ask "will this make me less bitchy and more positive when we are done" Yep that drove the last stranger out of the room. Jenny hands us rocks to hold. Like you get out of your yard. I proceed to see if I can hold it between my cleavage without dropping it. Bored easily Dawn? I then start playing with the charcoal on the wall. I am convinced it was Styrofoam painted black.
Elvan Stone Reading Room
Description:
This room is designed for reading and resting. Floor is made of elvan stones. It is about 90'F. It offers unique properties specifically for the benefit of the skin, particularly for minimising freckles and blotchy skin as well as anti-ageing benefit
Okay 90 degrees I can do this and my skin needs all the help it can get and what the hell is an elvan stone. and I did bring my new diet book and I am tired. Uh where do we lay/sit, the floor is stone, I need pillows and a blanket. This is bullshit. Reading room my ass.
Meditation Room
Description:
This room is designed for meditation. Clear your mind and spirit. Underneath a layer of bamboo, the floor is made of Elvan stones, which offer unique properties that provides comfortable and relaxing environment.
Honestly never saw this room. I may have been banned at this point.
Cabin Room
Description:
If your body needs a quick cool down, the Cabin Room at 70 degrees, awash with the musky scent of its pine floors and walls. The Olympus Journal book is available for you to write and share your thoughts with other women from all over the world.
Okay this was a highlight. The sucky part was that it literally looked like a cabin or exactly like one of the hokey rooms at the Great Wolf Mountain Lodge. Oh the flashbacks are hitting.
But the best part besides that the two burly women leave when we enter is that they have a stack of leather journals. You are encouraged to share your thoughts. I am thinking they don't want to hear mine but I will love the reading material. Okay the last two gals wrote some poetry crap about mother earth and puppy blood and wombs. Okay am I on candid camera? Wait there are some nice ones about coming after beating cancer or a treat after chemo, that is so inspiring. Oh look lots of doodles of naked women with the 70s porn star triangle look going on. Okay this is fun but I have lost Lori and Jenny's interest because Jenny says it is time for her to go soak before her scrub.
So off the aquatics center. Shit you do have to leave your hospital robe and belongings in the cubby. Uh ladies I will be right back this requires a facebook post and desperate texts to two friends that didn't think I would really do this.
Okay Jenny drops the robe and is off. Lori, you first. No, you first. Okay drop robe, hold towel in front of body, it is not big enough to wrap around me so Lori enjoy the full moon.
No one else has their towels they are just walking around all naked except for that stupid cap. Evidently finding a long hair in the pool is bad, but shouldn't their be caps for elsewhere. Cause from what I am seeing I should be passing out Stacy's business cards for waxing services at her place "Skin and Bare It".
There is a thing of Wugwort water and women are scooping it up and splashing themselves with it, it looks like poop water and omg I need flip flops.
I am going to the pool with no one in it, I don't care that it is the cold water pool. that will make me look perky. Drop towel, omg my friends saw me naked. Wow my friends look nice. Omg that women has more hair under her pits than my husband. Oh please let the running commentary in my head stop and don't gasp outloud at that pretty ladies full back tattoo.
Okay, going to a pool with Lori. We have a stand off as to who is going to drop their towel first, it is a draw. I did suggest we sit on opposite sides of the spa.
Okay, trying the steam room with Lori, then sauna. Time for Lori and Jenny's services, massage for Lori, scrub for Jenny. Yeah me reading time, I am going back to the salt room that felt like laying on a big heating pad.
When Jenny got out of her scrub, I asked her how it was. She sat down put her towel overhear face and was rocking slightly back and forth. I was "what, what happen". Jenny "she touched/scrubbed literally everywhere except my clitoris"
wow really, would the clitoris have cost extra?
Jenny, blushing and still rocking, I may have just been molested on my fortieth birthday.
I find this hilarious since she is the least self conscious of our group. This was her idea. Although I want to ask how soft her ass crack is now. But mostly to embarrass her some more. I was feeling a little resentful at the images of too much naked now burned into my retinas.
Oh no, Lori is a little conservative, it that happens during her massage we may have to get her some xanax and some therapy. Lori comes out looking like a relaxed noodle and proceeds to say she had a sheet of paper to fill out where she was able to check the boxes that corresponded with the body parts she was not comfortable having touched. Happy Birthday to Jenny!
At this point I tell them I am totally traumatized and if this birthday party does not involve cake now while fully dressed someone was going to get hurt.
So we ended an evening of naked woman bonding at PF Changs Bar with chocolate cake and fortune cookies.
The next day when I ran into Lori, we both shielded our eyes and said Hi without looking at each other, heee heee heee!
We did earn the respect of many of our friends, I showed Jenny how much I care about her and I decided this qualified to mark one of the things off my 40 uncomfortable things to do when I am 40 list. Skinny Dipping! Done, Check!
No comments:
Post a Comment