No, not the same Walk of Shame from college days. This was the walk of shame in Hot Yoga tonight. Yes after several months hiatus aka not moving my lazy fat ass, I finally went back. I stopped going when I injured my hip and the Doctor said I needed to take a break from it. Now she was not specific about the length of that break. But since it has not hurt since about May 1st, I figured it was time. I have been telling my yoga friends, Jenny and Lori (for those of you who read January entries, that would be the one with the nice boobs and the one with the great legs) but I am off topic, I have been telling them for over two months to keep asking me to go, that I was ready to give it another shot. Yesterday a living social coupon was sent to my email for the Yoga Studio, it was a sign. So I bought and I went tonight.
And Guess What? It is still Hot! As hot as the face of the sun, I am sure of it. Okay I exaggerate but it is something you can't really understand until you have tried it at least twice. Jenny suggested I try going with wet hair and I believe it was Lori who said room temperature water was better than ice cold water during the class. Guess what gals? My hair was dry after 5 minutes in the room and the water was luke warm within 10 minutes. But thanks for the suggestions.
What life lesson did I learn from Hot Yoga today? I learned that goals are good to have, but it is about being flexible in Yoga and that means being willing to adjust your goals for the long term gain. So here is how it sounded in my head tonight. I hope I don't worry you too much.
6:15 Park. You can still bail? No you can not, you told Lori and Jenny you were going and you posted it on Facebook. Lori was at the 12:30 and Jenny was at the 4:30, they won't know. Plus your 30 days on the certificate doesn't start until day one. Day one, Dawn, remember in February when the reporter asked you on the local news if you had any advice for other people in your situation? (you know the fat ass situation) and what did you say? You said "have as many day ones as you need, start over as many times as it takes" You talk a big game bitch now get out of the van.
6:20 I wonder if the instructor will remember me. Of course she will, you fainted and they almost had to call 911 and your pacemaker kicked in and your husband had to come pick you up and you cried like a baby in their lobby. yeah, I think she will remember me. Just stand here and stare at her until she looks up. Try to look sheepish, like you know you should feel guilty that you have not been in so many months.
6:21 "HI DAWN Welcome BACK! How's the Pacemaker? " Yep she remembers you, shit. "Yeah it's good I am very nervous about being back" "well take it easy and sit down as much as you need to just don't lie don't or close your eyes. You look like you have lost weight" Uh huh, that way you know I am still conscious and no you skinny ho I have not lost weight but thanks for reminding me. I know you are thinking why did I have to come back.
6:25 Damn Damn Damn, the coolest spots are taken, okay I am taking the back spot behind Andy Kaufman (see post..."casting call.." archive Jaunary) Damn it is hot in here. I can do this, I can do this. Dang look at that, I look so fat. Holy cow, that is not a good look, I think I have two chins. okay, if I look up and tilt my head this way it is not so bad. Man I have a HUGE forehead, remind me to never get rid of my bangs. Yep, slicking my hair back wet is not helping. Okay there are two chicks gabbing away so they must be new and not know that is bad etiquette. Maybe they will do worse than me in the class, that will make me feel better. That's not nice. Damn it's hot.
6:27 Look at that dragon tattoo down that guys back. Look at those skimpy outfits those gals are wearing, see if you keep doing this you can wear those too. Go Dawn!
6:29 Okay, laying here is not so bad, I can do this, it is not that hot.
6:30 damn it is starting. Okay, this will come back to you. 26 poses two times, you got this. You did great back in January and February. Okay, goal, I need a goal and I also need to stop looking at that guy's ass. Okay, goal is....Do all the poses in each series, maybe rest on the last one. let's do this.
6:32 oh crap I forgot about the breathing. My sinuses hurt, this sucks. Okay, come on, you can handle the breathing. Gawd it is hot in here. I hope she opens the door soon for that cool air break
6:35 Shit when is she opening the door?
6:40 Okay stretching pose, warm up poses. Why am I breathing hard? Crap it is hot
6:41 Okay new goal, do the first series of each posture and stay standing during the second.
6:45ish There is no damn clock in here, gawd is it almost over? What? we are still in the stretching only poses. Oh gawd I can't do this. I might die. Shoot I didn't say goodbye to Tamese today, she is going to be so mad at me if I die.
6:55ish What the hell time is it?
6:56ish It's hot
6:58 Uncle, I am calling Uncle on this crap. I am sitting. Ha, that chick in the bikini is sitting too. I don't care if she is sixty. Oh look that guy is dropping too. Okay sitting, don't lie down, yes the room is spinning, noooo noooo don't close your eyes, don't faint. Stay sitting up, eyes open, don't be a wuss
7:00ish Oh gawd why isn't she opening the door. "Dawn are you okay?" Okay, give her a thumbs up, good job. I should have used my middle finger, maybe later if she does not open the Damn Door!!
7:05ish Thank you for not going to the class Jenny and Lori were at. If they were here I would be losing it cause they would be looking at me with concern on their sweet faces and then I would start crying like I did to Lori on Sunday and then they will be more worried and it will ruin their Yoga and I would feel bad and then I would cry harder and probably hyperventilate and crying is going to waste hydration. It's hot in here.
7:09ish WTH does Bikram not believe in clocks. What kind of deranged cult leader is he. remember that article that said people get aroused doing Bikram Yoga? Yeah right. Who? Cause I would like to know. Cause that is the last thing I am thinking about right now.
7:10ish Okay get up, you have sat out two postures. you can do this one it's easy.
7:11 ish Good girl, that's it one leg, arms up, point your finger at the ceiling, no not the middle one. there we go balance, lock your knee, pivot. Oh boy is the room suppose to spin like that
7:12ish Okay new goal. STAY sitting, do not lay down
7:12ish okay laying down does not make the room stop spinning and it is not any cooler
7:13ish Can't she see I am suffering here, open the fricking door. I am not going to make it. OMG, I have never seen anyone leave the class before. They say you can't leave. What is this a cult, didn't someone die in a sweat lodge in Phoenix. You said you wanted to make the police blotter this year, but not like this.
7:14ish Okay, new goal, just stay in the room for the entire 90 minutes, who cares if I sit, lie down, stand on my head. Do NOT leave the room. If you don't leave the room you can have a cupcake tomorrow.
7:15ish OMG I am going to die, I must leave the room. Did I turn off the gas on the bbq today?
7:16ish NOOOO, stop being a drama queen. you can not leave the room. Okay, new goal if she opens the door before the end of this posture I will not leave the room.
7:22ish OPEN THE DOOR NOW!
7:23ish Okay, new goal, you can leave the room if you make it until they are done with all the standing postures, that way it will be less noticeable
7:25ish okay, stop rocking, and don't start whimpering or keening out loud. Have some pride. Keening that is a cool word, never understood it but I am pretty sure the noise I am trying not to make right now is what they mean in my novels when they say keening. Okay look at me Sara Beth, look at me, can't you tell I am in trouble here and I need you to open the door or tell me I should leave the room. If you tell me to leave I really didn't fail. LOOK AT ME!!!!
7:28ish okay laying down, do NOT PUKE. Okay what happens if you puke, no way I can get to the door and bathroom in time. What if I am sprinting for the door and I puke on someone, omg that would be awful. Don't puke, you have an extra towel, you can wad it up and puke into it. That's disgusting. Better than puking on Andy
7:29ish Okay, I am raising my hand. Yeah, Sara Beth come here don't make me yell it out. "I don't think I can make it, I think I have to go" "are you sure? you need to go? okay walk slowly" "Yes, I need to go"
7:29 Walk of shame. oh crap, headrush that's why she said move slow. Okay new goal don't faint or puke until you are in the lobby and out of the room.
7:30 Okay, I suck. I made it an hour. I don't care that the lobby gal says people leave the class all the time. She is so a liar. Cause I went to at least 20 classes at various times and not once did I see someone leave the class.
7:40 Okay, the spinning can stop now. New goal, stay in the same building as the class until 8:00 so you can go get your mat. Cause it would be more insult to injury to leave it and have the instructor have to get it. Front desk gal just suggested I could re-enter the class. That's funny, so I can do the walk of shame more than one time. Hell no. Or I mean maybe, when the room stops spinning and my stomach stops revolting. Oh and thanks for pointing out where the garbage can is. Has anyone puked in the lobby? No? Oh, there is always a first lady.
8:00 they are looking at me with disdain. Yeah, look away people. Yes, I made you look good. Uh huh, yes I am the one that ditched. Yep, keep staring. Uh huh. Get your mat and get out!
8:05 So which class are you going to tomorrow? Cause there is no way you can do worse, right?
