The Roller Coaster Day

Today I posted a couple of Mottos/Sayings on my Facebook page that pretty much sum up my mood.
"All Stressed out and No one to Choke"
"If it weren't for my mood swings, I wouldn't get any exercise"

I got an email today that I did NOT get the dream job I wanted. Big Sigh. But there is another opening at the American Heart Association that would make me very happy. But I am feeling a bit defeated so we shall see how it goes.
So today was one of those roller coaster days. Started off strong; got some things done, had lunch with my bff, ran errands, and it was sunny!! Strap me in, up we go. So I was doing pretty good, then the email, down the other side we went, took a two hour nap, cried. Then back up we go, dragged my butt to the gym for my double class Wednesday with Pam. Up we went. I startled myself in the mirror again by glancing over and thinking "wow that poor woman, how unfortunate, she looks like Humpty Dumpty" "Oh crap that's me, I forgot I had a new shirt on" Down the other side we go. Oh wait, hee hee, when the teacher bends over to do rows with the bar, her very nicely enhanced breast actually jump left and right a couple of inches like putting two magnets together. Me, "Hey Pam did you see that" Pam "yes". I totally lost it when she turned to the guy to her right to show him how to do the row properly and he was like a deer in a headlight. Okay, the giggles are good....Back up the next hill I go. Ten minutes of Body Pump left, omg, there are 5 of my dance mommy friends heckling us at the window. Crap, that means I have to try hard and I will have to do the push ups. Ugh. Curve in the track. Me, "Pam look at those two chicks with the shoulder tattoos, omg, we need to hold them down and feed them, do you have any snacks in your purse? Cause I weigh more than the two of them together" Curve. Ugh. (I do love to make Pam giggle though, cause she usually looks guilty when I make her laugh, like she isn't quite sure she should be laughing at what I said or did) At the end of class Pam informs me that our instructor had said a couple of times, " I know you guys are laughing at me today" Oh crap, I can't understand her because she has an accent, I had no idea I was getting us in trouble! Curve.
Time for Sh'bam (like a dance aerobic class like Zumba). There was a full class and with my 7 dance mommies, it was so much fun! Normally I am so not into it, I just try to keep moving. But having them there gave me the energy to totally keep going! The class was a blast, high energy and we even got a group photo with our teacher after just like our daughters do at dance conventions! I am sure it will be a lovely photo of my sweaty self.
So I ended the roller coaster day on the big fun loopdy loop!
Tomorrow's motto: "You live but once, you might as well be amusing"

"Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History..."

That is my motto! I even have it engraved on a bracelet. Saturday and Sunday I will be sitting in a hotel lobby in downtown Seattle while Hayley dances at a convention and competition. We will be there from 7:45 am until who knows when at night! I have to meet her every few hours to feed her and do the Mom thing so there is really not enough time to drive home. Which means unlimited and prime people watching! Woo HOO! I wish I could find a job where I could just watch people and comment on what I see. I think I would be great at that!
But also all this time on my hands this weekend could spell trouble! Because when I get bored I find something to entertain me! Uh Oh. I do have to find an outfit for the Heart Ball in a week. I am a volunteer. I thought I had a great red outfit ready to go from all the Go Red Appearances but I found out volunteers need to wear all black. So today there was no school I took my kids and a friend to the movies in Bellevue. I bought them tickets to the IMAX showing of Mars Needs Moms, dropped them off and went shopping, returned before the movie was over. Love that they are old enough now to that. I am surprised they did not get kicked out or that I didn't get a call from theater management. They were the only bodies in the showing, so they had the entire IMAX theater to themselves. They mentioned playing tag and hide and go seek before the movie started. That's my girls! Already marching to their own drummer. My son liked to point out that he was "being a good boy like you told me and sitting in my seat". I told them that I had planned the whole thing for them, that they were so special that I was able to reserve a private showing for them. Yeah, they didn't buy it either.
I had time to try on dresses at Macys. When you are many sizes larger than the last time you had to buy a dress and at least two sizes bigger in person than in your own imagination, shopping is surely depressing. I tried on about 20. The salesperson kept bringing me more to try. I kept saying that they didn't look like "me", but she kept insisting I try them. Finally I just had to say that what she was bringing me "looked way too old, and matronly". Do you know what she said to me? "Well honey they are flattering and age appropriate"
Now the pre-forty high strung me would have had such a comeback for her that she surely would have not forgotten me any time soon. But the new more mature forty year old, just smiled and shut the door in her face. I think I was just too depressed to tell her to shove her grandma dresses where the sun don't shine. I did find one that might be a possibility. I would have been 100% for it except when I came out to look in the big mirror, she said "Wow You have some Curves" . To me that was code for "Wow your ass is JLo Big" or "Wow you are fat". Isn't "Curvy" the same thing as saying "Big or Fat"? Like saying "she is really opinionated" is the same as "Man, she is such a Bitch". So the dress did not go home with me. More than likely I will end up wearing slacks and a blouse. Maybe I will be able to wear a size 8 hot little number next year. So what did I do after this experience? Took the kids to Burgermaster, where I had a shake and a burger and a fries. And left my lights on and had to have them jump my battery. It was a sign I am certain.

you know you are fat when....

I took this from my older blog from last year and am adding to it now:
Tuesday, June 1, 2010

You know you are fat when...
I am most certainly a skinny girl in a fat 39 year old body right now. So it has taken several "incidents" to wrap my mind around my new size.
I call them "you know you are fat when"

You know you are fat when you are at the doctor's office and the nurse says I will be right back I need to get the bigger cuff.

You know you are fat when your friend and you decide to go to the real running shoe store to get a professional fitting, because dammit if they can run a marathon on the Biggest Loser you can run a 5k. And the salesperson says "no mam, you do not have a wide foot you have a "high volume" foot.

Or you know you are fat when at a different doctor's visit the nurse says "wow your blood pressure is really good for someone your size"

And for 2011...You know you are fat when....
You go to your primary doctor and mention that you read an article about the Lap Band procedure. The BMI requirement was lowered and if you have a medical condition that warrants the weight loss insurance will pay. In my opinion I think I might qualify and since I seem to be failing at all other attempts "what do you think Dr. that has known me since I was a teenager"

What I expect her to say is "No sweetheart, you are not that obese, no way do you qualify for that surgery, lets write you a prescription for this magic pill that will make you drop 30 pounds this month"

What she actually says "Wow, Dawn, I think that is a fabulous idea. You should really look into that. I will write any referral paperwork you need."

The power of words

I have been thinking a lot lately, I know, so scary! But that is what turning 40 and having a midlife crisis is suppose to be about, right? This week I have been thinking about words or phrases that have meaning to me. Today it is the phrase "Drama Queen". When my husband wants to end an argument with me or push my buttons or just plain piss me off, he will call me a "Drama Queen". I would rather be called a Bitch any day. Why? To me a Drama Queen implies that my feelings, emotions, thoughts on that particular subject are not important. It is a put down. It says that I am exaggerating or being a crazy person. It says "I" am not important or that my feelings are not valid. To me a Drama Queen makes a mountain out of a mole hill or creates negative feelings in others for their own enjoyment or someone that just plain has to have attention on them for no valid reason.
This is not me.
I decided to see what google said about this phrase.
Webster Dictionary - "noun" - Definition of DRAMA QUEEN: a person given to often excessively emotional performances or reactions
Hmmmm....Who defines "excessive"? And is being emotional such a bad thing?
Urban Dictionary -Someone that turns something unimportant into a major deal
Again, if it is important to me....(see number 15 in previous post)
EHOW, has an article "how to stop a drama queen"; they mention a restraining order. snort laugh from me.

So maybe I tend to react emotionally when it is not necessary. I would rather think that makes me passionate or actually means having a personality. Attention Whore? I like to think of it as "outgoing". Excessive? Really? Go big or go home I say. Reactions? Hello? Isn't that called "participating in life"?
I am NOT a Drama Queen, I am passionate and outgoing. So there.

Thoughts from the Mom Cave

As I sit here in my Mom Cave, sipping my Hot Cocoa with Baileys in honor of St. Patrick's Day (not sure what I am celebrating the other nights, but tonight I have an excuse) contemplating what exactly St. Patrick's Day is and darn I decorated but I forgot to put green food color in the toilet, not sure the 8 year old will still buy that leprechauns don't flush; I am glad to know that this is getting read. I know it is getting read because my daughter came home tonight wanting to know why in the world I would blog about her thing for going naked at home and that I told her what a BJ was. I got a big "Thanks Mom for the Blog". One of my friends evidently read it to one of her friends, who then mentioned at school about her and the naked thing. Maybe this friend thanks to me now knows what a BJ is versus a VJ. Granted she was not upset enough to let it stop her and her friend from going skinny dipping in the hot tub about an hour ago (no school tomorrow, so sleepover night)

I had lunch with my oldest (not in age, that honor I think is Nancy's or maybe it is Stacy) friend today. We got caught up and discussed life. Her love is a military man and he is being deployed for a year. My heart aches for her, to have found love again only to have to go without it for a year, kind of sucks. Makes me think that as long as he was completely safe, I would not mind shipping my spouse off for a year. I think marriages would be a lot stronger if it was required to take a break say every 20 years. Right? Nothing dangerous like protecting our country, but just a required time out. It would not have to be for a year, that would be to cruel to the kids. But maybe a week off from each other once a year? Now if we could invent a way this could be done without one of us actually leaving the kids or home that would be super nifty. Like the spouse became invisible to each other. That way you are not a single parent and if there is a spider in the house someone is still here to kill it. Now granted, I think we have pretended that the other was invisible many many times, but I am talking about a way to take a break without actually fighting first.

Last week I went to my friend's parents house on the Beach in Hood Canal. I was totally alone for 48 hours. I have never been alone I realized for that long my entire life. I went from home at 18 to a sorority in college to living with my husband. Quite a revelation at 40.

I didn't even see another person on the beach or in any neighboring homes during this two days of bliss. I read, I watched Glee dvds, took many bubble baths, danced, sang outloud, did yoga, and the first 24 hours all I ate was Cake. It was a really amazing experiment. Could I enjoy my own company? You know what? That does not come naturally. I think I need another 48 hours there to continue the experiment. Because I am pretty certain it took me at least the first day to feel less guilty for taking the time in the first place. It helped that my cell phone did not work well and there was no internet.

So what did I learn during my "me-cation" about myself:

1. I want a job where I don't have to wear a bra


2. I want a job where I can wear pajamas during the day


3. If I try to do yoga on my own, I only make it thru about 4 of the 26 poses before I get bored


4. I might have ADD


5. The thoughts in my head are really noisy


6. Bailey's and Diet Coke don't work


7. I am a water person, I love being near water, my blood pressure is lower when I am


8. I am an Aquarius


9. I can listen to the same playlist over and over and not get bored


10. Maybe I don't have ADD


11. When you can sleep in, you won't


12. The formula for all romance novels is exactly the same, which did not stop me from reading five


13. Is it okay to lust after a character on a movie or tv show that is under age if you know that the actor playing that character is legal?


14. I can't change other people or make them behave the way I want, even if I am certain my way is better


15. I may be a tad self centered


16. I have more ideas for activities and goals than I will ever have time in my life for


17. I can sit still for a long time


18. I do enjoy peace and quiet


19. I am not a drama queen


20. I like to make people laugh, I like funny things


21. I don't want to be fat anymore


22. I would never make it on Survivor because I have to shower every day to feel normal


23. I am ready to change careers, I want to work for AHA more than I have ever wanted anything, which probably means after my luck this past two years it won't happen


24. I might be a pessimist


25. Nope, I am an optimist, I still shave my legs every day

I think I need more time like this to work on my list and practice being friends with myself.

Parenting 101....

I learned today that when you turn forty not only do the gray hairs start sprouting (everywhere), your eyesight starts to go, things hurt and it is not a coincidence that forty starts with an "f", but your hearing might be a tad less effective.
Our daughter who will be 13 next month is terrific, wonderful, great kid. She is open and honest and has no filter or issue discussing embarrassing subjects with myself or her Dad, much to his chagrin. She will walk around naked and show us the wonderful changes of puberty without an inch of modesty. Now as long as this is not a future career indicator and she does not ask for a pole in her room, I think we are good with this. I would rather have her be proud of her body and confident. I think this will mean she will be more likely to protect it. So now that she is in junior high we have had lots of opportunities usually brought up by her to discuss, sex, relationships with boys, drugs, drinking, etc. We have made it clear what our expectations are. Her dad has made it clear what will happen to any boys that cross the line now or in the future, like until she is 30. The funny thing was the next day in the car (this seems to be the best place to chat about these less than comfortable topics, captive audience) she said "don't tell dad but I am way more scared of you than him" "Why" I asked. "Because Daddy might hurt the boy but you would humiliate him". Wow she is so perceptive.
So back to today. I know that they are talking and probably doing oral sex in junior high. I can stick my head (no pun intended) in the sand and pretend otherwise, but like all things relating to sex I want to be the first one to give my child the information they need, I don't want them getting the information from another 13 year old, lord knows what that information will be.
So back to my hearing. In the car, she says "Mom, what does BJ stand for?"
OH BOY, been waiting for this one. Me, launches into a very detailed explanation. I add that although Clinton said otherwise it is a sex act and their are consequences and this is an adult act and you are NOT an adult until you are 18. I may or may not (not admitting here) to exaggerating some of the bad things that can happen to a girl that engages in this past time. Telling her that her teeth would rot and you can get sores in your throat might have been extreme. But hey if it keeps her a virgin until she is 18 and emotionally mature, who is the winner here! Her!
But here is the kicker. When I finally took a breath she said "Uh Mom, thanks for the information but I said what does VJ stand for and your answer doesn't make sense?" Oh, you were watching mtv, crap. That means Video Jockey as compared to a DJ or Disc Jockey. Oops, my bad.

Back on the Horse? The damn Horse ran away...

Okay, I know I have been too quiet. I have fallen off the Go Dawn Team Horse. Diet is not going well, exercise is mediocre and mood is borderline mental. So I am thinking that if I analyze the past 2 and a half months, there seems to be a correlation with diet success and mood and health when I am blogging daily. Hmmmm...accountability? Or I just like to brag when I am doing well? I don't know. But we shall test the theory. So everyone that is supporting my team needs to know that I am failing miserably at the weight loss goal. So there, it is out there. And I did not have to go on King 5 news to say it. (still not happy about that one)
Work wise, still a stressful, hopeless situation on the Banking front. Poor Scott is working his butt off. His job is like banging ones head against a brick wall for eight hours every day. No wonder he asks me to stop at the liqueur store.
I am still in the hiring process for my dream job with the American Heart Association. I have made it to round two of three. I am now waiting to hear if I make it on to round three. If I don't I am not sure what I will do. Never in my entire adult life have I not gotten the job I wanted. Never have I wanted one as badly as I want this one. So not sure if when looking back on my "luck" meters this past two years if this is looking hopeful!
I am still working with the Go Red Passions Committee. I also joined a Committee working to encourage Community Teams for the Heart Walk this fall. So I will be creating a team, with a fancy name and our own tshirts, who is in?
I am volunteering at the Heart Ball on the 26th, which really means I have to find something semi formal in all black to squeeze my fat butt into before than. Warm up them Spanks.
So let's review; Diet: Sucks, blowing it, hate it, I suck, no willpower. I have not been tracking my ww points. Today I had burgermaster but let me point out I ordered the mini kids meal instead of the big one. so that is a start? right? But I have also done some ambien eating. I am sleeping a lot during the day this past week fighting a weird virus/flu and trying to get blood pressure meds right. So I take an ambien at night to try to get back on track, then if I don't go to sleep I eat.
Exercise: No Hot Yoga - my excuses....I hurt my hip, had an xray and there is a bone spur caused by wear and tear (code for you are forty now honey) and clearly a ligament pull or tear. But again thanks to the nifty pacemaker I can't get a clear diagnosis without an MRI which I can't have unless I want to see the thing pulled out of my chest by the giant magnet. The other reason I have not been hot yoga, is that with the pending job situation not sure when I will be able to go when I am working in Seattle? So do I want to commit to the membership and the pain it causes the hip. I am starting physical therapy as soon as I get around to making an appointment. Do we see a theme here of procrastination and denial?
But I have been a regular at Golds gym thanks to my dance mommy friends. At least twice a week I have been doing Body Pump and once or twice Shbam which is kind of like a self esteem killer like Zumba. It should be called "so you think you can dance, not"
I had a couple of doctor visits. My vitamin D is deficient again which can cause fatigue and aggravate the Fibromyalgia issues. Duh, it is the middle of winter in Seattle. So got a prescription for that. While I was there I mentioned that I had read an article about them changing the bmi requirements for lap band surgery and that if you meet the new lower number and have a health condition (yeah me) insurance may even pay for it. What I thought she would say (keep in mind she has known me since I was 16 and knows I am a drama queen and looking for reassurance constantly) "no you are too skinny for that". What she actually said was "Oh that is a great idea, you should consider that".
So overall I have the debbie downer thing going on right now.
It is such a fiscious cycle. When I was interviewed on the news I gave the advice that we just keep going and have as many day ones as we need to get the job done. So looks like tomorrow is another day one for me.