The Bionic Woman

So yesterday I had my Pacemaker Interrogation. That is what they call it when they hook you up to the computer and test it out and download the data. It is a bit creepy when the technician can pick a number and force your own heart to beat at that rate. It is a sensation I can't explain. The good news is that it was a terrific check up, the bad news is that means I didn't get to see the Hot Pacemaker Doctor. Darn, I even wore a really good bra. I did ask if I would see him and the tech said he could get him for me if I wanted to ask him a question. I couldn't think of any quick enough and my 8 year old son was with me and it would be bad parenting for him to witness mommy drooling over the Cardiologist. My son was fascinated as was I, that the tech could now estimate my "battery life" based on the year of data we had. Originally they told me that the pacemaker would have to be replaced at 5-7 years. Mine is operating in such a way that it is estimated if that continued that it would last 8-12 years. Wow, call me the energizer bunny.

So the Pacemaker is doing its job. Just sitting there watching my heart ready to save the day if I have another unexplainable episode. Emotionally the unexplainable part really is a struggle. I mentioned that I was going to be doing some "Survivor" speaking events for Go Red for Women as part of the American Heart Association. I told him that I really don't know how to explain what I survived. It isn't dramatic like a heart attack or obvious like a stroke. It was dumb luck that it even happen while in a hospital bed hooked up to a monitor, what are even the odds of that happening? Probably about the same odds of me ever being able to lift a retro 70s van like my childhood hero, the bionic woman.

Finally someone explained it to me. I have been asking this question for over a year. He said I had Bradycardia otherwise known as a Bradyarrithmia. Of course being a child of the seventies I asked is that spelled like the "Brady Brunch". I was on the edge of my seat. What is "Bradyarrithmia" I asked? Wow, this is going to be good, I could hear Jan saying "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia" in my head. He said it means you have an abnormally slow heart rate. "uh, duh, my heart stopped, guess that is abnormally slow, but I don't get it, I want to know why?"

He said that there are many reasons but more than likely it was Congenital or you had it since birth. He said it is like your heart is a house. The house has plumbing and electrical. Your plumbing is in perfect order (no blockages, narrowing of arteries, etc.) but your electrical not so good. Now this is funny since pretty much every male on the paternal side of my large family is an electrician. Irony?

So my switch doesn't function right. It is common for very old people past 70 to have frayed electrical connections, the wiring wears out, and pacemakers replace that switch or wiring. Well I guess this makes sense, my husband has mentioned that he feels like "he is married to a seventy year old woman".

Wow, this was the medical assistant. A very smart and competent man, someone I trusted to play with my pulse. He was able to explain to me my own condition in a way both myself and my eight year old could understand. Neither cardiologist had been able to do that.

Researching it tonight I find that I have had for many years several of the risk factors. I also found answers to many questions that have plagued me about that day in the hospital. Things that my gut told me were involved in the "incident" (flatlining), but doctors disregarded or told me were not related. I don't know how to feel right now, relieved, annoyed, frustrated. I still have nothing to blame for what happen. I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't give myself this problem. But I can continue to own the fact that I survived and am at high risk for heart disease. I can't change this, but I can reduce my other risks by continuing on this lifestyle journey. I can continue by having as many day ones as it takes.

Deep Sigh. I just hope I don't end up like the Bionic Woman, selling sleep number beds on infomercials.

T.G.I.F.

You are not going to believe this but Scott went to Yoga a second time yesterday, two days in a row. I did not go because the pain in my hip is excruciating and the tummy is not handling things well the past few days. I don't want a repeat of the Hot Yoga Spins so I opted for a couple of days off. Plus we could not both go last night. Yes, I am injured, but I find myself falling into my old patterns of putting others before myself. I was so proud of Scott I did everything I could to arrange for him to go a second time. I packed his clothes, his towel, his water, a snack; brought it with me to Henry's teacher conference at 5:30 so Scott could come straight from work and then make the 6:30 class. I even called the studio ahead of his arrival so that the teacher could save him a good spot. I took Henry to Cubscouts and arranged for a ride home from dance for Hayley.
I found myself slipping into my old comfortable ways this past few days. I even went to Burgermaster yesterday although I did order a kids meal instead of the Big One. I paid for it later with an upset tummy but wow did it taste good. It is like being a drug addict, one slip and you slide down that slope. Figured well I messed up today might as well go for it. So here we are, starting over again. No weight loss this week, in fact from all the partying I did for my birthday I gained 3 pounds. Sh*t
So back to my other old ways, putting others first. I did take way too much joy in the fact that Scott came home from his second class and his face was the color of a tomato. There was some moaning and groaning too. I tried to get him to talk about the Yoga experience, I thought everyone would be interested in what he had to say about it. Well, he is not much of a talker. I told him how all my dance mommy friends at the studio were very impressed with him and that their husbands would never try anything like this. All he could say was "It's hot" Again, I told him I could not believe how flexible he was and how in the world did I not know this? (and why were we not having monkey sex?)
Do you know what he said? My soon to be 45 year old out of shape partner of 20 years said "Well of course I am flexible I am an athlete" There might have been a sigh and an eye roll too.
Now he didn't say "I was" he said "I am". Now you must realize the incredible strength (the vicoden might have helped a little too) to not start laughing and rolling on the bed. We have a nice calm loving truce going on right now and I want to keep it that way. It took all the will power that I was not able to summon at Burgermaster not to say "Really, are you fricking kidding me? Having ESPN as your home page does not make you an athlete"
Instead I said "Really, why do you say that?" He said "I played basketball, baseball and tennis". Insert snort laugh here and snarky remark in my head "yeah like 25 years ago".
I said "Well then I am an athlete too but I am not that flexible anymore"
"You were not an athlete you were on the flag team"
Oh geez we are not going to start that argument again. I was not on the flag team a*((hole, it was a drill/dance team and we were one of the best in the state, practicing nearly year round for a couple of hours every day. I tore my damn hamstring doing the jump splits for gosh sake. And we had pom poms, NOT flags.
I mentioned this morning that he should not feel bad about himself if he can't handle three days in a row his first week like I did. Ha, guess who is currently sitting on the couch downstairs? Athlete my ass.

A Hunk of Burning Love...

You will not even believe it, I can still hardly believe it myself. My husband, Scott, who wants to lose about the same amount of weight as me, did something today that I never thought I would see. No, he didn't bring me flowers....he did a Hot Yoga class with me!!!! He said he might try it a week or so ago and I just laughed. He said if I could do it he could. This totally ticked me off because he does not get a ton of exercise. The man doesn't like the Kinect because he can't figure out how to play it from the couch like the Wii.

But there we were at noon today on the face of the sun in matching red shirts. The shirts were not planned. I told him this morning that I was worried he was going to feel bad about himself when he couldn't make it the entire 90 minutes. I was so thankful my friend (with the legs), Lori, was there. Because at least there was a witness. I told her in the dressing room that I was totally worried about him and thought it might make me distracted. Boy did I eat my words.

I set up his mat and towel, found him a good spot. The teacher told me at the start to set a good example for him. Bring it on. Now we will see who is the big baby. Unbelievable!

The SOB did better than I had done even after ten classes. 20 years I have lived with this man and I had no idea he was so flexible! You have got to be kidding me. About half way thru I sat out a move just so he knew it was okay to sit if you needed to, I was seriously worried about him hurting himself. But NOOOOOOO, he kept going. He was more flexible than me. He even did the Bow position. I can't even get near my toes in that posture! My feelings in that 90 minutes were all over the place. I was excited he wanted to try something I was doing. I was annoyed because he was doing better than me. I was proud of him. I was in pain from trying to outdo him. At the end of the class I wanted to run over to him, straddle him and kiss him I was so proud of him. But I thought that would be just a little over the top. Plus I was too hot and tired to move.

My only hope for my pride is that maybe he won't be able to walk in the morning.

The 'F' Word

Yes, the 'F' Word. Forty. I am Forty. I feel like admitting it is the first step to acceptance! After Friday's breakdown, I went into three days of ups and downs. I think it was the roller coaster of turning Forty. I slept away most of the physical leftovers of Friday's Faint, but emotionally it has been difficult to get back on track. It really knocked me for a loop. It made me realize that my physical limitations are still a reality and pretending otherwise may just land me back in the hospital. Saturday morning I was up early and getting Hayley ready for the first dance competition of the season. It was a long day starting at 7:30 am and going until I headed out for my birthday party at 6:00. The competitions are usually stressful or at least exhausting. I found this year it all clicked. Hayley was more independent. We didn't fight with each other. And I really enjoyed watching the girls shine! The competition was even an unheard of hour ahead of time! So I was able to see 4 of her 5 routines before I had to head out.

I broke the rules and took many wonderful photos of the dances. I almost dared them to kick me out or try to stop me. I felt like we pay so much money for these things I should be able to discreetly photograph it without flash. I think my photos made a lot of mommies very happy. Sitting all day like that gave my mind time and space to wander. That wasn't a good thing. I thought about all the things I had planned on accomplishing before January 24, 2011. And how many I had not. Weight was the number one issues. Just like I had planned on being skinny two years ago for my High School reunion, I planned on it for my 40th. But here I was struggling at the highest weight ever. The only thing that kept me somewhat sane was that at least I have made a start this month. Towards the end of the time at the competition I started to cry (again). I was thinking of the relationship issues I am having and it just started to get to me. Having my girlfriend, Angel sitting beside me kept me grounded.

I left for the party, called my husband and sort of lost it on him. I felt like I needed to get some of the thoughts from the day out of my head, he was my target. He took it like the man he is. When I got to the hotel to meet my friend Terri, I just fell into a hug and cried like a big baby.

I recovered quickly when I saw how lucky I was. She had thought of all the details. The biggest treat of the weekend was having someone else take care of my needs. Terri had snacks, Raspberry Vodka and Diet Coke for me, decorations. She had orchestrated a party at a dueling Piano Bar in Seattle with a slumber party for her and I. The party was wonderful, it was an eclectic mix of old friends (not referring to your age Tamese) and new friends. But each person that was there was an important part of my puzzle. My best friend, Sara, from High School was there. Someone that has known me for 25 years, someone that I missed for 10 years of my life, but yet we were able to find our way back to each other. My two best friends, Terri and Tamese. Both have proved that you can still be standing after horrible life challenges, cancer and the death of a child. June, who I can tell anything to without being judged, someone that makes me laugh. Karen and Mary, people that I have known casually as neighbors and parents for years, but just in the last month, opened myself up to know them better and love what I have seen so far. It was just a perfect group. It was like the Girl Scout Song we learned as Brownies; "Make New Friends but Keep the Old". It represented one of the things I really like about myself. My friends are all different, from different groups, ages, etc.

The piano players were amazing, yes there were a few trips for me to sit on the piano and get embarrassed. I loved it of course. I pulled something in Yoga in my left hip that I then made a lot worse dancing the night away. There was about a half dozen or so Cherry Cosmos involved, amazing meal and to top it off Terri had brought my favorite cupcakes from Cupcake Royale. There were decorations, wonderful gifts, funny cards and lots of laughs. It could not have been better.

We limped back to the hotel around 2:00 stopping at the corner market for tylenol and water. Terri and I finished off the cupcakes in our beds and watched a movie until about 3:30 am.

We slept in until 11:00, then went to Pike Place Market. We stumbled across a little French Restaurant and had the most perfect brunch ever. Amazing food, watching the ferry boats go by. Stopped at Market Spice for tea and then headed home with no active hangovers! We were quite proud of ourselves.

The kids and Scott had made a cake which they proceeded to almost burn the house down lighting 40 candles on it. I was asleep by 5:00!

Monday, the actually big day. I stayed in bed all day. I don't think it was all depression, but just denial! My husband and I had an amazing dinner out alone again thanks to Terri watching the kids. I realized I may be fat, I may not have what I want from my relationships right now, I may not have the perfect job yet, but with girlfriends like I have none of that really matters. I think Forty might be okay.

Breakdown Right On Schedule

Today was an interesting milestone in my journey. Trying to find the humor in it. I wonder when I would breakdown mentally, emotionally or physically. I knew it would have to happen. You can't go from a year filled with one challenge, one low and one disaster after another; then all of a sudden start dieting and building a new healthy lifestyle and expect it to go smoothly. I truly believe the hot yoga is the key to this major change in me. That 90 minutes of time concentrating on my body forces me to also face emotional issues. Today the body forced me to face a fear that I thought I had overcome. I took the 9:30 class. I did not take a class yesterday because I had an upset stomach and was super tired. About a third of the way thru the class I was really struggling. Super Hot! I figured it was the rushing to get there, the egg mcmuffin (give me a break I was starving from my stomach emptying the night before) on the way there, or that I was in a hot spot in the room. But as soon as we rolled on to our stomachs for Cobra I thought I was going to puke. Since I am trying to learn to respect my body's limits I rolled to Corpse Pose (my favorite) and decided quickly to lay out the stomach stuff because puking in the class won't make me popular. I quickly realized this was not the usual struggle, the room started to spin. The last time I had felt that spinning was a year or so ago when I was in the hospital. When I started that spin then, I woke up with a dozen people rushing around me with paddles since I had fainted and my heart stopped. And we know that started this entire journey.
I tried to sit up a couple times and rejoin the class but immediately started spinning even more. I couldn't believe it I was going to black out! At one point I laid back down, the next thing I new my left leg kicked into the air in a spasm and three poses had gone by. I passed out! My chest hurt on the left side. OMG, the pacemaker must be kicking in. Well that set me to panic more and the spinning picked up again and I was having trouble staying conscious. All I could think was "you are not allowed to leave the room" and "OMG I don't want to go in an ambulance smelling like this, gross".
The instructor, my favorite, figured out something was up. When class ended I signalled her and she came and helped me out of the room. I was like a drunk being walked home, gripping her arm and weaving thru the ladies laying on the floor. I made it to the lobby bench and proceeded to put my face in my towel and start crying. I still felt the spinning and told the instructor everything I thought she should know. Other students began to come out and I was now the center of attention, something that I would normally not mind, but not for this. I got offers of rides home or rides to the ER. Great group of people. I called my husband totally prepared for a big sigh of "here we go again". He proved me wrong and immediately asked if I wanted him to come. He was already at work 45 minutes away, but again I am trying to learn my limits of "handling things alone" and said yes. I also think he was a little quick to offer and realized he wanted a day off! That would give me time to shower and see if I felt better and able to drive. I had to sit for a long time, the spinning didn't stop but the crying did until my two girlfriends came in for the next class (magnificent chest Jenny and Lovely Legs Lori). Well you know how you are upset but you can hold it together but then someone is nice and that sets you off? Well they come in and the crying starts again. It was on the verge of being totally uncontrollable.
I was so frustrated, scared and just am so sick of all of this! I just want to be normal. I don't want to be like a 70 year old woman in a 40 year old body. In my mind I am still 25 and today the mind and the body seem to finally realize they are not on the same page. I don't know if this was a total emotional break, but we will see how the next few days go. Dance Competition for my daughter all day tomorrow, then my birthday party with an overnight stay, then forty!
Who knows I may make the news tomorrow when I totally lose it at the piano bar. I think I will avoid the shots!
I slept all day today and had an upset stomach. I am certain the faint was a combination of dehydration and the blood pressure meds being too high of a dose, my bp swung very low. My teacher says she has had to catch 220 pound men that have fainted in her class and they didn't have a pacemaker or a fat ass like me. So that made me feel better. I am strongly thinking of taking a staycation for my birthday present on Sunday. I have a stack of unread novels. I am thinking me, books, some cupcakes and a local hotel room. HEAVEN! Sleep in Monday on my birthday, not have to battle kids to in the morning, no dog pee to clean up....this is starting to sound appealing. Just me and some solitude. I have never done that, maybe it is time. So you may not hear from me again until Monday!

Thank You...

Again Thank you to everyone that has been encouraging me and holding me accountable on this physical, emotional and mental journey. Special thanks to those that helped me see what I needed to see. I have tried to thank you personally. I honestly did not think I was in that bad of shape. Seeing yourself as fat is not easy and sometimes it takes people not being nice to motivate you! Yes, that was a bit snarky and a little passive aggressive but totally true! So thank you and I am excited for the day when I can ask you to kiss my skinny butt.
So here are some ways that you know you are fat....
1 - When the nurse at your appointment says "I will be right back I need to get the bigger blood pressure cuff for you"
2 - "No your foot is not wide, it is high volume"
3 - "Have you ever shopped at Lane Bryants? I heard they have cute stuff."
4 - "I like a woman with some meat on their bones"
5 - When the piano player looks at you while singing a certain Queen song...take a guess
6 - Same thing as number 5 when Sir Mix Alot is playing

Casting Call 6:30, Redmond Hot Yoga...

It is certainly a full moon today. According to the Cardiologist I did not do permanent damage to the pacemaker with my stupidity. He did suggest with a straight face that I unplug it next time. He also agrees with Scott and banned me from riding the mechanical bull. He only shook his head when I told him about the Trapeze Lesson. He also said forty is the new twenty and I asked if he could show me that in one of his medical journals and then maybe I would believe it.
I am in my third week of dieting and exercising. No, it is not getting easier, I think it is getting harder. Where is that endorphin high they talk about, what a bunch of crap. If you can't tell, I will warn you, I am cranky, because I am hungry and Hot Yoga was very challenging tonight. Here is what I learned about diets and Hot Yoga this week:
1 - somehow tonight it was hotter than any other class, maybe it was the 45 people in the room
2 - it is possible for one class to smell worst than another, It reeked, breathing thru my nose was a very big challenge. I sprinted out of the building when class was over.
3 - If you have diarrhea within an hour of splurging on Taco Time, do those weightwatcher points count?
4 - Doing hot Yoga within an hour of number three is a bad idea. You will feel like puking and end up with a headache. #2 did not help
5 - the Weightwatchers 3 point blond brownie recipe is excellent, until you see the size of a 3 point serving. That is great that it taste good, not so great if you eat the entire pan.
6 - When you finally get your leg into a pose and you look around wanting to cheer, no one cares
7 - I don't mind having friends in the class, my friend's husband, Stewart, was there tonight. Again I felt better knowing someone was there that could call Scott if someone needed to claim the body
8 - screaming "open the door" in your mind does not make the instructor open the door
9 - A fresh pedicure does help you with the Yoga postures

Tonight's Yoga class was a feast of characters! I think that there should be a reality tv show about people that take Hot Yoga. The cast of characters is as diverse as the Ben and Jerry Ice Cream Flavors. (I am hungry) There are many new characters to add to our cast. Disclaimer "A" - All characters are based on my observations of real people. Any similarity to people you may know could be more than coincidental. If you recognize someone or yourself, then go with Disclaimer "B" - all characters are fictional.

"Ken" - Yoga Barbie could find her soulmate this week at two of my classes. He is tall, blond and wore nothing but shiny purple spandex bootie shorts. Yes, he and Ken were also anatomically the same. Thankfully he stood near Stewart and not me or giggling would have been difficult to suppress.

"Dolly" - Okay, I take back what I said about all Yoga experts being flat chested (except Jenny's magnificent set and snoring man). Dolly was there tonight. Again, I don't know how Stewart could concentrate. She was far away from me and when I spotted her I literally froze with my mouth hanging open. White vneck halter sports bra. Small women with huge basketballs hanging at the bottom of the net! I can not believe they didn't pop out! Talk about a lesson in gravity. That poor woman.

"Lolli" - right in front of me. Tramp Stamp of a Lollipop like you see at Disneyland, right at the top of her waistband, perfect swirl circle, stick must be down the you know what. It seem to change colors as she sweat, cool, I didn't know tattoos could do that. The entire class the song "lollipop, lollipop, oh lolli, lolli" was going round and round my mind. It wasn't until the end when the pants had inched down did I see to my great disappointment that there was no stick, just the circle.

"Andy" - Next to me was Andy Kaufman tonight. Looks just like him. I kept wanting to turn to him and say "are you goofing on Elvis tonight?". Nothing like having Latka sweat buckets next to you.

Five days left....