Let's get Happy in 30 minutes or less...

So I am pondering life today, which is code for sitting in front of the computer in my pajamas surfing Facebook. I come across an article posted from Real Simple Magazine. One of my new mottos "simplify"; so maybe this will be good.
It is titled
"OOOOhhh, I want to be happy in the next 30 minutes this will be good.
Trust me you know where this is heading.
As I read, all I can think is that someone actually got paid to write this total bullshit.

Let's analyze this, maybe it will help you.

1. Raise your activity level to pump up your energy. If you're on the phone, stand up and pace. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Put more energy into your voice. Take a brisk 10-minute walk. Even better...

Really?, I went back to bed after the kids were gone, If I could raise my activity level I would but, I get winded on the stairs, and if I put more energy in my voice while on the phone, my best friend, will ask me if I have taken the wrong meds today or been spiking my hot chocolate with Baileys again.

2. Take a walk outside. Research suggests that light stimulates brain chemicals that improve mood. For an extra boost, get your sunlight first thing in the morning.

Huh, I live in the Northwest. You know rain. What sunlight? It's fricking dark first thing in the morning, it's November you dumbass. Oh wait, maybe they mean I should sleep in until it is actually light out, yeah that might make me happy. And if I go for a walk outside, I need to take a dog, and which one, if I have to pick I feel guilty about the other two. But they are so ill trained I can't take more than one and then that thought process just starts me feeling guilty about how I have let these dogs down by not training them to be more well behaved but I think well there is a reason they are rescues.

3. Reach out. Send an e-mail to a friend you haven't seen in a while, or reach out to someone new. Having close bonds with other people is one of the most important keys to happiness. When you act in a friendly way, not only will others feel more friendly toward you, but you'll also strengthen your feelings of friendliness for other people.

I might be on board with this one. I do reach out...a lot. In fact it is shocking I still have friends. Cause I reach out all the time. Texts, "please stop me from eating this cupcake" Middle of the night Ambien induced desperate depressing emails about my life. Snarky comments on their facebook pages. Yeah let's do that to someone that I have not seen in a while. "Hi how's life?...mine?....hmmm, let me send you the link to my blog" "hello?, hello? you still there, oh looks like you deleted your fb page interesting""act in a friendly way" Isn't that just saying the old phrase "fake it til you make it". I don't think I have the fake friendly gene.

4. Rid yourself of a nagging task. Deal with that insurance problem, purchase something you need, or make that long-postponed appointment with the dentist. Crossing an irksome chore off your to-do list will give you a rush of elation

I get it, this might work if there was only one of those types of items on my list instead of ten. Rush of elation? I can think of some other things that give me that, but crossing the dentist off my to do list is not one of them.

5. Create a more serene environment. Outer order contributes to inner peace, so spend some time organizing bills and tackling the piles in the kitchen. A large stack of little tasks can feel overwhelming, but often just a few minutes of work can make a sizable dent. Set the timer for 10 minutes and see what you can do.

Okay, I admit I tried this. I set the timer too. But while I was in the kitchen I decided to get a snack. Then I needed to make some hot chocolate. Well then the dogs wanted a snack so we had to play and earn our treats. Then I ate one of the kid's cupcakes they made at the cupcake diy event I took them to yesterday. By the time I tackled the bill pile I had one minute left and was weeping from trying to figure out how I was going to pay them without a job. Yeah that was fun I feel way more serene now bitch.

6. Do a good deed. Introduce two people by e-mail, take a minute to pass along useful information, or deliver some gratifying praise. In fact, you can also...

I think maybe I should just let this one be. and just move on to number 7

7. Save someones life. Sign up to be an organ donor, and remember to tell your family about your decision. Do good, feel good―it really works!

Save someones life? WTH? the article is 9 things to make you feel happy in the next 30 minutes. Like us women don't already feel the weight of the world on our shoulders, let's add save someones life? Are you fricking kidding me? What's next world peace? How about we just try taking a bath or eating some chocolate or hugging a pet? Really? fuck I give up.

8. Act happy. Fake it 'til you feel it. Research shows that even an artificially induced smile boosts your mood. And if you're smiling, other people will perceive you as being friendlier and more approachable.

Wait a second isn't this basically the same as number three. You could not even come up with 9 original ideas? This is bullshit. Okay, research shows that a fake smile boosts your mood. I am trying this, so if you see me today with a fake smile plastered to my face, go with it, No I have not been drinking and no I did not take a xanax.

9. Learn something new. Think of a subject that you wish you knew more about and spend 15 minutes on the Internet reading about it, or go to a bookstore and buy a book about it. But be honest! Pick a topic that really interests you, not something you think you "should" or "need to" learn about

WTF?!!!! Thirty minutes? Go to the bookstore. Seriously, I am in my pajamas it will take more than 30 minutes to shower, get dressed, drive to the bookstore, stop at Starbucks. Then you want me to learn something new! First you want me to save a life and learn something new all in the next 30 minutes just to improve my mood. Author of this article, you are a demented moron.

I am just going to take a 30 minute nap and eat the other child's cupcake.


http://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/emotional-health/things-can-happy-next-minutes-10000001809876/index.html#.TsKN5SwRmcM.facebook

Guess What?

Guess What?
I am still fat. In fact I have gained weight. WTH.
I took Henry, the 9 year old, to Target last week. He was totally sucking up because he wanted a new Lego, so he came around to the driver's side of the van and opened my door for me. How sweet is that?
I stepped out of the car and thanked him politely.
"Mom, that is so cool"
"What is Henry?" I say as I smile lovingly at my little gentleman while looking around to see if any other Moms saw how wonderful my child was.
"I can tell how heavy you are because when you got out of the car the entire thing raised higher"
"WHAT?"
"Yeah, when you got out, the car got higher on that side, and since you were the only one in the car that means you were the reason the car was sitting lower. That's cool." As he heads towards Target. He pauses and wonders about the stricken look on my face. He is also very tuned in to people's feelings. This time he speaks slower hoping I might understand if he does.
"Mom get it, cause you put pressure on the tires... What's wrong?"
"Henry I get it, but I think that you just called me fat"
Henry totally horrified thinking of the lost Lego "NO Mom, it just means you are big enough to move the car....." He trailed off, then said
"Mom I don't think you are fat, can we still look at the Legos?"